In my recent travels through the World Wide Web (the internet), I came upon a web site featuring a device that spits out story assignments at random. Being as how I am completely out of ideas, I decided to give this mechanism a shot. My critics will be quick to point out that this web site is designed for elementary school students, but what they won’t tell you is that I am writing at the upper elementary end of that level. My assignment: Write a letter to a horrible flamingo who discovered a talking frog:
Let me again, congratulate you on your discovery. A talking frog is indeed a rare find. In your previous letter, you stated that you were a bit “put off” that I wasn’t more impressed, but there are several reasons for this:
First of all, you’re a flamingo that can write. You can imagine my initial shock when I returned home from vacationing in the Dominican to find a letter in my mailbox from the bird that had caused so much trouble on the beach. The fact that another creature possesses communication skills, therefore, does not really change things for me and I’m struggling to understand why you’re so impressed.
Second, I don’t like you. Most of your letters borderline on harassment. I don’t like that you refer to me as ‘Mop Top.’ I don’t know what that means, but it sounds derogatory. Also, do you need to bring up my farmer’s tan in EVERY letter? I am evenly tanned since my trip and I don’t appreciate the letters you’ve written to my coworkers describing my farmer’s tan either. Several have complained that your description was far too graphic and I was called to HR to explain myself.
I am not interested in flamingo stuff and that’s all you talk about. I don’t care about all of the hot flamingo women that want you on the beach. Here’s a fact for you; all flamingos look exactly alike. Any alleged success you’ve had, I’m sure, is nothing more than luck of the draw. I’m tired of your bragging about how many fish you’ve caught by sticking your face in the water. I hate your competitive questioning about how many fish I’ve caught with my face in the water. Want to know the answer? Zero! Because I’m not a damn bird!
And finally, let me remind you, you ruined my vacation in the Dominican. Your constant squawking and pecking made beach time miserable for myself and my wife. I also didn’t appreciate the fact that you took the liberty of canceling our flight home. Finding a new flight was very expensive and difficult and it was hard to explain to my boss why I had returned home a day late.
Please do not contact me again,