Over the weekend, my softball team had the honor of playing in our league’s championship game. The match-up was to take place in a hostile environment, our opponent’s home park.
Our team took the field to boo’s from the crowd. I dusted off the pitcher’s mound, knowing it was going to be a long nine innings with no fan support.
Suddenly, I heard it, echoing from the crowd, a musical ‘Charge!’ followed by an electronic version of our team’s fight song.
I looked up into the stands and that’s when I saw my pet monkey, Chip Dip. He had brought along my megaphone and was playing our theme music.
“Thanks for the boost, old friend,” I thought to myself, my confidence now restored.
I wound up and delivered. Outside, ball one.
Suddenly, from the crowd, a sad trombone sound effect rang out, ‘wahhh, wah, wah, wahhhhhhh!’ The fans burst into laughter.
I looked up to see my pet monkey, Chip Dip, holding up the megaphone.
“CHIP DIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I shouted, “YOU HAVE THE MEGAPHONE SET TO COMEDIC BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I leapt over the gate and chased Chip Dip around the stands and field for 45 minutes. Unfortunately, the monkey had set the megaphone to ‘Yakety Sax’ for our entire chase, which totally destroyed the serious nature of the situation.
Finally, the batteries on the megaphone ran out and Chip Dip managed to escape through a hole in the fence.
Making matters worse, my team was forced to forfeit the championship based on the antics.
I searched around for Chip Dip for hours but finally decided I had better head to the bar and apologize to the team. I prepared my apology, braced myself and walked inside.
Much to my surprise, the entire team was happy to see me. They handed me a paper and asked how I managed to find out that two players on the opposing team had been ineligible. Confused, I grabbed the letter, confirming that our team had won by disqualification. Confused, I looked up to see Chip Dip at the end of the bar. The monkey had conducted a background check on our opponents and submitted the findings to the league.
“Well,” I said smugly, “looks like we’re champions after all.”
All of the sudden, I heard a rimshot. The monkey had replaced the batteries in the megaphone.
“Oh, so this entire thing was just a joke?!” my teammates were furious.
“No, I…” But it was too late, the entire team walked out of the bar. I was later kicked out of the league, thus disproving the popular theory that monkeys and audio amplifying devices mix well.
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My Pet Monkey Ruined My Kitchen
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Jason Gooley
Lindsay Tacia
List of X
Randy Shy
James Miller
Stickwick Stapers
Todd Daggett
Army Of Awesome People 
Background checks. Way to stereotype monkeys as nosy buggers. I would have expected better from you, Tim. While is true that some monkeys are jealous of their owners and have them trailed by detectives who also investigate the people the owners are around in case the owner is giving the monkey’s share of attention to aforementioned “other” person…..while this sometimes occurs, on the whole, monkeys are just like any other human.
Posted by EzraWontShutUp | June 18, 2012, 10:59 pmHmmmm, part of me wonders if you’re writing this on your own free will or if Chip Dip is forcing you to write this with a banana pointed at the back of your head that he’s convinced you is a gun.
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | June 19, 2012, 1:22 am