First of all,China’s definitely not lookin’ for a leader. Their president seemed insulted when I asked.
See, I figured they’d be doin’ some story about how much everybody misses me. When I changed the channel, it was like a slap to the face. Like, my face hurt from lookin’ at it. And it stung too, much like a slap to the face so, so you can see where I’m drawin’ my comparison. Anyway, they were doin’ this poll and it said something like ‘was President Walker the worst president in history?’ 93% of the public said yes he was. 7 percent said they weren’t familiar with our country’s history. I thought I was seein’ things so I closed my eyes real tight and when I opened them again the poll was gone, so I thought I was definitely seein’ things, so I flipped to another channel and they were doin’ this story about how so many people loved the new guy and were glad I was gone. I panicked and flipped to the Cartoon Network. Unfortunately, they had just launched a newscast and this cartoon pig and cartoon duck were talkin’ bout what a disaster my presidency was.
I shouted at the TV, ‘Well what have you guys ever done that was so great?!’
But then I thought, well they do have that show. That’s pretty good for a pig and a duck.
I walked over to Aaron, my secret service guy and said ‘Aaron, look, I’m gonna ask you a question and I’m gonna need you to be real honest with me. Do people like me?’
He paused and took a deep breath and asked for permission to speak freely.
‘Permission denied,’ I told him. We both kinda stood there silent and awkward for a while.
I decided to ask Leslie. All she said was ‘how could people not like you?’ But the way she said it reminded me of the time my mom told me I was the handsomest boy in school. Well ma, you haven’t seen all the boys at my school, how could you judge?
I needed the truth. Someone not afraid to tell me like it is. Someone who wouldn’t sugar coat his words and fill them with delicious gooey caramel and chocolate… Sorry I’m a little hungry.
I decided to turn to the most honestest man I know. My opponent from the last presidential race.
He seemed real surprised and angry to see me when I showed up at his door.
‘What do you want?’ he asked me.
I could tell he was still upset about me beating him four years ago and bitter about all those stories I made up about him.
I told him I was hopin’ that we could put the fact that I defeated him by a landslide years ago behind us. I told him I needed his help.
He seemed insulted that I would even ask. He said ‘let’s make somethin’ real clear, I don’t like you.’
‘Why not? I like you,’ I told him.
He reminded me that during the campaign four years ago I told people that if he was elected he would steal everyone’s puppies and turn them into a fur coat.
I kinda chuckled. ‘I did watch a lot of Disney during that campaign,’ I told him.
But he kept gettin’ more angry. He’s like ‘you told people I supported tax breaks for flag burning factories!’
‘Yep,’ I told him ‘The public definitely didn’t like that.’
He kept goin’ on and said how I told people that if he got elected he planned to sell major swing states to the Chinese and then he pointed out that when I was reelected I actually tried to do it.
I told him, ‘Look, Chuck, relax. I just said all that stuff to win the election. No hard feelings.’
He told me there were tons of hard feelings and started goin’ on more about how I destroyed his career. I asked him if we could please shift the focus of the conversation off of him for a moment and start talkin’ about me. I told him he was the most honest person I know, despite the fact that four years ago, many Americans said he was the most dishonest person they knew.
Chuck said that wasn’t many Americans who said that, that was me.
‘Look,’ I told him, ‘I need to know if people like me.’
He stopped and just stared at me in shock.
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ I said.
He started shouting, you know, like he was in some sort of disbelief, he’s like ‘No! No people don’t like you!’
I asked him why not.
He said, ‘well let’s see, you lead us through two depressions, each you bafflingly bragged to the public would be greater than the Great Depression. You lead us into three wars, you launched a preemptive strike againstFinlandjust in case they were plottin’ something. You tried on several occasions to reignite the Civil War which is really odd given the fact that you were from the south and governing fromWashington.’
I asked Chuck if he thought that people don’t like because I wasn’t successful in restarting the Civil War.
He said no, that people don’t like me because I nearly destroyed the country.
I explained to him look, there are three types of Presidents in this world. Presidents people remember and presidents people forget. The presidents people remember have lead us through wars and/or depressions. Every single one of them. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Benjamin Franklin, Davey Crockett, Paul Bunyon, Johnny Appleseed…
Chuck interrupted me and told me to stop namin’ people who were never presidents. He took a seat and looked up at me real sober-like and asked me if I created all that hardship in our country for the sake of my own legacy.
‘Yup,’ I told him, ‘just like the following presidents, Kid Rock…’
‘Stop it!’ he interrupted me. ‘Wow,’ he goes, ‘I used to think you were an evil genius. Now… now it’s clear you’re just an idiot.’
I stood there for a second to calculate what Chuck had just said.
‘But you still think I’m a genius, right?’ I asked him.
Chuck told me that all of the presidents I had named had led us to peace and prosperity because they had the common good in mind, not their own personal legacy.
Ha ha ha, I started laughing, but then I looked over at Chuck and I could tell he wasn’t joking.
‘Seriously?’ I asked.
Wow, I took a seat. I asked chuck why no one warned me my policies would lead to this.
Chuck got real mad and said that he warned me. He warned me in the first and third debate that my policies would lead our nation to disaster, but every time he said it, I kept lookin’ over at the audience and implying through hand gestures that he had been drinking.
I kinda put my head in my hands and took a deep breath. I think Chuck kinda felt sorry for me because he told me it wasn’t too late, that some presidents create their legacy after they leave office.
That perked me right up. Really? I asked him. ‘Good thinking! I could reclaim the presidency! Perhaps by force!’
Chuck told me there were other ways. That some former presidents try to seek peace in the world and that others build legacies by helping to build communities across the country through charitable work.
I thanked Chuck and told him he made me feel better. I told him that if it made him feel any better, I accidentally voted for him in the last election.
He told me that it actually did kinda make him feel better.
I think thirty-five percent of the population must have made the same mistake, I told him.
I don’t think Chuck appreciated that theory because he shouted at me to get out.
I left Chuck’s house with a new mission in my heart. Build a legacy through peace and prosperity. Or was it bees and prosperity? I couldn’t remember so I went back to Chuck’s house to ask him. He didn’t answer the door so I’m gonna go ahead and go with peace.
President James J. Walker.