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The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited The Coffee Shop

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped into the coffee shop I often visit, as I was enjoying a latte. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person twice, first, when he filmed a movie at my office and then again when he worked out at my gym, the experience was no big deal.  However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the coffee shop that I often patronize.  I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he was wearing Daisy Dukes.

Second of all, he came riding up to the café on a skateboard that he clearly did not know how to operate and when the board hit the curb he wiped out.

And when he fell he tried to play it off by rolling over a couple of times and doing some crappy somersaults that took longer than they should have to execute and when he got up I could hear him say ‘aww yeah’ through the glass.

When he walked in he had a big scrape on his knee and he wiped the blood off on some lady’s seeing-eye dog.

Then Pitt cut in front of about 5 people who were standing in line and asked the barista if they ‘had any medical marijuana.’

When the barista said no, the next guy in line ordered a soy latte, explaining that he was lactose intolerant. When Pitt heard this he tried to pay the barista five hundred dollars to put milk in the guy’s drink.  When the barista refused, Pitt bought the drink off the guy, dumped a whole carton of skim milk in the cup and handed it back to the guy saying ‘deal’s off.’

Then Pitt ordered 17 boiling waters and shouted ‘drinks on the house!’ and he started throwing the cups of steaming water at people, and I don’t mean he tossed the cups, he whipped them.

Then Pitt walked up to a girl who was doing homework on her laptop and said ‘answer’s B.’ Then he highlighted her entire essay, hit delete, pressed the ‘b’ button and hit save.

I don’t know where he found a basketball, but Pitt bounced it twice and whipped it at a guy who was taking a sip of coffee as he was reading the paper and when the coffee spilled all over the guy Pitt smirked and said ‘double dribble.’

Then Pitt drove the ball straight down the aisle and slammed right into the counter, flipping over into a shelf full of bagged coffee.  When he stood up he said “That’s from ‘White Men Can’t Jump.’

When the barista pointed out to Pitt that he wasn’t in ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ Pitt grabbed him by the apron, took him outside, threw him into a taxi cab and ordered the driver to drive until he ran out of gas.

Then Pitt strutted back into the coffee shop, jumped up on the counter and announced ‘Here’s a free matinee for ya’ll!” and started violently thrusting his hips while singing ‘Chall gonna make me lose my mind, up in here! Up in here!’ and repeated the first verse of the song about 5 times before jumping down and demanding twenty dollars from everyone which he claimed was a ‘matinee discount.’

Then he grabbed a megaphone and shouted ‘SHOCK AND AWE, HOSERS!” then dumped a bag of dried coffee grinds in a running fan before running out the door.

I will say, however, that being in the same coffee shop with a big star like Brad Pitt was a cool experience.



About Stickwick Stapers

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds


17 thoughts on “The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited The Coffee Shop

  1. THis story seems a little far fetched!!

    Posted by VeganHanz | October 13, 2012, 7:03 pm
  2. Hey,this is amazing…….. about 2 weeks ago on a Friday afternoon, I was hanging out at a favorite butcher shop in Beverly Hills and in comes that handsome Brad Pitt shouting vegan slurs….. well, the cutting, chopping, and slicing of all kinds of fresh meats ceased behind the display case counters. Now, I know it was THE BP….. because I had seen him and some buddies (2 guys and a dog) downtown LA on a Saturday at the wholesale flower market….now I think of it…it was the weekend of Mother’s Day. Wow, there he was with those same blue eyes now frozen in my memory….. the butcher shop went silent as HE stuck his unwashed hand behind the counter and grabbed a L-O-N-G frigg’n chain of link sausage…..(I think it was bratwurst [Surly now called Bradswurst]….anyway…..he, the world famous movie star….. jumped up onto a display vintage butcher’s block table in the dead-center of the shop….. there he spread his shorter than I remember legs and fearlessly began swinging a12 foot long (Could have been longer or shorter, I was too busy Twittering the scene)….. no doubt pretending he was trying out for Kevin Costner’s role in next year’s Silverrado II…. the swinging/singing meat ‘propeller’ scared the hell out of everyone and many hit the sawdust floor…..however, I noticed one older lady who no doubt was too stunned to hit the ground or maybe just didn’t want to stoop that low….BTW:.she was wearing a light blue straw hat with a beige narrow satin ribbon (Aren’t proper women suppose to wait until after Memorial Day before wearing straw or white gloves?)…sorry, I got off track here….the elder woman stood there stunned wearing thick eyeglasses on the end of her over-powdered nose…. while backing away closer to the wall…..her squinting dry eyes fixed directly on Pitt’s (She should have been watching the whirling meat a’coming)…… when, without warning, was whacked on the jaw so hard her dentures when flying and down she went (Where she should have been in the first place!)…..at this point everyone seemed to be hollering at the Hollywood star: stop! PLEASE STOP!! Uncle…show us some MERCY!…..then, the three meat men in matching long white crisp aprons….. (Have you notice there are NEVER any women butchers?)….were creeping up on Pitt with Union zeal…. hands high trying to stop the meat propeller with their butchering weapons……OMG! …… links were flying off and splattering against the white Masonite walls……. when before they could get closer and coming in at all angles to Pitt’s tight Levi-slim-fit jeans (And, a loose tank top displaying from time-to-time as his muscular arm swung around ….those beautiful somewhat extended firm nipples!), Pitt, suddenly let the whole mess of sausage go flying!!!……yet, with impressive dexterity, he managed to break off one cold, greasy link from which he chomped down as he squeezed it out from his thumb and forefinger and took a mighty bite….chewing and drooling…. (With his mouth open!) …in seconds jumping off the table with a high side kick while yelling something about going out to get some Dijon mustard (As this point, WHO cares where he’s going…JUST GO for christsake)…. leaving thru the open old glass door to the gawkers assembled outside ….. he tossed a wad of bills at the gawking meat cutters while yelling out after a loud sneeze…….., “Gentlemen….don’t expect me to shop here again….I’m allergic to sawdust!!”

    Personally, I realize really big star actors, like Mr. Pitt, have to put up with packs of paparazzi’s and rarely can just to be themselves without everyone making a fuss…….but, what I saw with my own eyes is no excuse for dealing with celebrity stress. Hell, I think I read some place that he is actually a vegan!! If that is true……I betcha he spit that mouthful of ground meat out and didn’t give a dam if littering the street with spit n’pork was acceptable behavior. Well, its not!

    Posted by Gordon Sinclair | May 30, 2012, 2:58 am
    • Thank you for sharing your story. This definitely sounds like Brad Pitt, because at the coffee shop, when he took a sip of his tea, he spit it out and screamed at the barista “I’m vegan you *expletive*, I need gluten free!”

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | May 30, 2012, 4:09 pm
  3. Hilarious. Oh…….. man.
    Whenever someone famous or rich comes to our coffee shop downtown, everyone pretends it’s not a big deal, secretly staring that them.

    Posted by derekberry | May 29, 2012, 12:00 pm


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