Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped into the coffee shop I often visit, as I was enjoying a latte. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person twice, first, when he filmed a movie at my office and then again when he worked out at my gym, the experience was no big deal. However, I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this ‘Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing my experience so they would feel as if they were there.
As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the coffee shop that I often patronize. I have to say, you didn’t miss much.
First of all, he was wearing Daisy Dukes.
Second of all, he came riding up to the café on a skateboard that he clearly did not know how to operate and when the board hit the curb he wiped out.
And when he fell he tried to play it off by rolling over a couple of times and doing some crappy somersaults that took longer than they should have to execute and when he got up I could hear him say ‘aww yeah’ through the glass.
When he walked in he had a big scrape on his knee and he wiped the blood off on some lady’s seeing-eye dog.
Then Pitt cut in front of about 5 people who were standing in line and asked the barista if they ‘had any medical marijuana.’
When the barista said no, the next guy in line ordered a soy latte, explaining that he was lactose intolerant. When Pitt heard this he tried to pay the barista five hundred dollars to put milk in the guy’s drink. When the barista refused, Pitt bought the drink off the guy, dumped a whole carton of skim milk in the cup and handed it back to the guy saying ‘deal’s off.’
Then Pitt ordered 17 boiling waters and shouted ‘drinks on the house!’ and he started throwing the cups of steaming water at people, and I don’t mean he tossed the cups, he whipped them.
Then Pitt walked up to a girl who was doing homework on her laptop and said ‘answer’s B.’ Then he highlighted her entire essay, hit delete, pressed the ‘b’ button and hit save.
I don’t know where he found a basketball, but Pitt bounced it twice and whipped it at a guy who was taking a sip of coffee as he was reading the paper and when the coffee spilled all over the guy Pitt smirked and said ‘double dribble.’
Then Pitt drove the ball straight down the aisle and slammed right into the counter, flipping over into a shelf full of bagged coffee. When he stood up he said “That’s from ‘White Men Can’t Jump.’
When the barista pointed out to Pitt that he wasn’t in ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ Pitt grabbed him by the apron, took him outside, threw him into a taxi cab and ordered the driver to drive until he ran out of gas.
Then Pitt strutted back into the coffee shop, jumped up on the counter and announced ‘Here’s a free matinee for ya’ll!” and started violently thrusting his hips while singing ‘Chall gonna make me lose my mind, up in here! Up in here!’ and repeated the first verse of the song about 5 times before jumping down and demanding twenty dollars from everyone which he claimed was a ‘matinee discount.’
Then he grabbed a megaphone and shouted ‘SHOCK AND AWE, HOSERS!” then dumped a bag of dried coffee grinds in a running fan before running out the door.
I will say, however, that being in the same coffee shop with a big star like Brad Pitt was a cool experience.