People treat you different when you’re not the president any more. First of all, they stop askin’ you to sign bills into law. Secondly, other countries stop takin’ your threats seriously. And fourthly, people start lookin’ at you funny, and not ‘ha-ha’ funny. Today a man walked past me in the hardware store and said ‘afternoon Mister President,’ and his little girl says ‘daddy, that’s not the president.’
I bent down to her height and I said ‘little girl, if you were a grown man I’d punch your lights out.’
I’m the exact opposite of not bein’ depressed. All I do is watch Monday Night Football, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
Leslie says she’s gettin’ worried about my memoirs. Thinks I should get a ghost writer. I told her that’s the most terrifying idea she has ever come up with. Last thing I want to do is frighten the many children who will be readin’ this book. I may throw in a couple of vampires, but that’s about it.
Leslie says I need to be writin’ about my experiences as commander in chief and the many foreign leaders I’ve met. Well let me tell you somethin’ about foreign leaders. I don’t like ‘em. They all come into America speakin’ whatever language they want. I tell ya, I go to other countries and I don’t know the language, I don’t speak. Period. Not a word. I just kinda nod and do charades, which to me is the universal language. Except in Iceland, where charades are the ultimate insult.
Now, there are some foreign leaders whom I have interacted with both on a verbal and non-charade basis. Like, for example, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. The man had the courtesy of speakin’ English to me, but he couldn’t understand why I had imposed economic sanctions on his country. I explained to him that our people still bare the scars of the Revolutionary War. He said that took place a long time ago and our nations have enjoyed centuries of good relations since. Whatever. His nation violated my strict ‘don’t start none, ain’t gonna be none’ policy.
The President of France also spoke English to me, but he Frenchified all the words. Like, he kept sayin’ ‘miss-your president.’
You don’t miss my president, I am the president!
The Japanese Prime Minister, I understood, could speak English. However, I never got to see him even though I was in Japan. You see, ninja attacks are such a problem over there as is my understanding, that I never got out of the car.
Leslie also says I need to focus on my many accomplishments as president.
Like, for example, my initiative to open Canada up for drillin’. How I didn’t cave in to the protesters who kept sayin’Canada isn’t part of our country.
Or my ‘Mount Rushmore’ directive. For many years I had wondered why the original artist had left off George Washington’s traditional handlebar moustache. Historians argued that Washington didn’t have a moustache, but I held my ground, unwavering, and to this day visitors to Mount Rushmore can see George Washington as he was in the 1700’s, A gigantic head with a big large curly handlebar moustache.
Or what about my ‘JUMPSTART’ program? You see, JUMPSTART is one of those words where each letter stands for a different word, so basically what you’re doin’ is crammin’ a bunch of words into one single word, savin’ the American people a lot of time. Anyway, JUMPSTART stands for ‘Jumpstart’ ‘undereducated’ ‘miniature’ ‘people’ ‘start’ ‘testing’ ‘at’ ‘really’ ‘tough’ ‘levels’
The last word at the end there, levels, is a silent L in the word JUMPSTART. When I first came to office, I was shocked to learn that on multiple choice tests, our children were basically given a guess of one of four answers. Well heck, casinos won’t even give you odds that good. So to ‘jumpstart’ our students guessing skills, I ordered that instead of four answers, students would have to choose one out of one hundred answers per question. My critics complained that so many options would confuse the children and make it impossible to complete a test within weeks, let alone a single class period, but eight years later I would ‘guess’ that our students can ‘guess’ faster than the children of any other nation. Cept Japan of course. Those students are far superior.
It is obvious that historyologists will look back at our nation’s two thousand year history and be like ‘look, Walker’s Presidency was one of the greatest, if not the greatest.’ I feel, however, like there is more work that needs to be done.
I believe it was William Shakespeare who once said ‘when life gives you lemons, make some sort of lemon flavored beverage.’ I think that’s what I’ll do.
Right after I’m done makin’ that drink, I think I’ll start gettin’ my resume together, send it out to some foreign countries, see if they need a leader. I hear China is always lookin’ for some extra people. I’ll start there.
President James J. Walker