A few years back, I dated a woman who was a huge fan of the Twilight series, for some reason. She had brought a copy of the movie over to my house to watch, despite the fact that I had repeatedly voiced concerns that it would give me nightmares and I wouldn’t be able to sleep without the lights on. Still, I wanted to make a good impression.
We had just put the disc into the DVD player when I heard strange laughter. I looked up to see my pet monkey, Chip Dip. He had his fur slicked back into a widow’s peak and was dressed in a long cape and fangs.
“Aww, he’s trying to dress like a vampire from twilight,” she said, excited.
“Thank you Chip Dip,” I thought to myself. But then Chip Dip pulled out a wooden stake and pretended to plunge it into his heart. He collapsed to the ground.
“CHIP DIP!!!!” I shouted. “YOU JUST GAVE AWAY THE ENDING TO THE FILM!!!!!!”
I chased the monkey around the living room for 45 minutes until he finally managed to escape through an open window.
“Tim!” the girl grabbed me. “That’s not how the film ends.”
“It’s not?” I asked.
“No,” she explained, “and wooden stakes don’t kill Twilight Vampires. Neither do crosses or sunlight, in fact, they sparkle in the sun!”
“Sparkle in the sun?” I asked. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“TIM!!!!” she shouted “DON’T DENIGRATE TWILIGHT!!!!”
The girl chased me around the living room for 45 minutes until I finally managed to escape through an open window.
The next day I went to her house with flowers and a copy of Twilight.
“Aww, I can’t stay mad at you,” she said.
I walked inside and instantly there was another knock on the door.
It was my pet monkey, Chip Dip. He had fake wolf ears and a wolf snout and had shaved the fur around his abs to reveal a taut six-pack.
“CHIP DIP!!!!!” I shouted. “SHE’S ON TEAM EDWARD!!!”
The girl instantly dumped me, thus disproving the conventional wisdom that a pet monkey will help you with the ladies.
More Chip Dip…