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Satire

Diary Of A Mad Ex-President

Dear Diary,

First, I wanna clear somethin’ up.  I’m gonna call you ‘Di’ from now on.  That’s gonna save a lot of people a lot of time.  It’s gonna save me time writin’ and it’s gonna save our readers time because they won’t have to be readin’ extra letters and tryin’ to anticipate what the word’s gonna turn out to be.

So we’re good with Di.  Good.

Thus concludes my memoirs.

Sincerely,

President James J. Walker

Dear Diary,

It seems I accidentally prematurely concluded my memoirs.  I was just tellin’ Leslie that I finished writin’ all the stuff I memorized about bein’ President sixteen weeks ago.  When I pulled this book out to show her, it turned out I had only written one paragraph and it wasn’t even about me!  It was all about you!  I can’t just focus on you, okay?  You’re just a book.  I’m a president.  Therefore, I am revokin’ your nickname and I’m gonna give it to my gardener, Larry.  He’s that guy who lives in the greenhouse or as I like to call it, ‘the barnyard for plants.’  Leslie says that just because he works there doesn’t mean he lives there.  Whatever.  All I’m sayin’ is that everyone I know lives where they work.  Probably.

Sincerely,

President James J. Walker

Dear Diary,

I fired Larry today for using up so much space in my memoirs.  He seemed confused.  I tried to explain to him that Leslie was getting’ mad at me for wastin’ so much time on him, but I still don’t think he got it.

Anyway, let that be a lesson to you.

Leslie says these memoirs will be the perfect way to ease the restlessness I’m feelin’ in retirement.  This is actually the second book she gave me to write down my memoirs.  The first book I thought she just said to write my ‘r’s, so that’s what I did, I wrote my r’s.  I wrote them uppercase, lowercase, staircase, cursive, typewriter, or to the best of my ability, I tried to write like a typewriter types.  Anyway, Leslie got real mad at me cause I filled the entire book with ‘r’s.  I told her to please be more clear and to make sure she is saying the first part of every word she speaks and to double check with me to make sure I heard it.

Leslie’s starin’ at me now, givin’ me that look that every wife gives her husband that says ‘write your dang memoirs!’

So where do I begin?  I guess the only logical place would be the end.

The End.

Sincerely,

President James J. Walker

Dear Diary,

Apparently I started the story at the worst place to possibly start a story.  Let me begin near that end.  What many consider to be the darkest day in American history.  The end of my presidency.

The National Mall, or as I call it the statue district, was packed with people.  I was waitin’ in the wings of the capitol when they introduced me…

‘Ladies and gentlemen, the honorable President James J. Walker!’

Everyone just started shoutin’ out my nickname ‘boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!’

That’s what they call me.  ‘Boo.’  Not sure where they came up with that but sometimes I come up with nicknames for people that don’t make sense.  Like I had this gardener, Larry.  One day out of the blue I just started callin’ him ‘Di.’  I don’t know why.  It just seemed to fit.  I think he quit because of it.

Anyway, the new guy comes out and the audience starts cheerin’.  Well, I don’t know if I would say it was cheerin.’  It was more of a golf clap with maybe some chantin’ and stuff and it lasted longer.  I felt like I was on a golf course to be honest with you.

I think my reporter friend, Bob Warner described it best when he said ‘the crowd reception for President-Elect Michael Bayard was deafeningly silent.’

Months later I told him I thought that was a beautiful way of puttin’ it and asked if I could use it in my memoirs.  He claims he didn’t say ‘deafeningly silent,’ he just said ‘deafening’ and that he’s not a reporter.

Well if you’re not a reporter, why did you let me grant you all those exclusive interviews?

Anyway, the new guy Bayard walks up and first thing he does is come over to me and say ‘I want to thank you Mister President for making this a smooth transition.’

Whatever.  I told him he ever needs anything, just pick up the phone.  Literally hundreds of people have telephones and one is liable to help him with his problems.

He kinda nodded at me and then went up and stood by the crowd.  This judge then walked up to him and I kinda laughed thinkin’ to myself ‘okay, now he’s gonna get it.’

I took a seat and I will never forget the words he said next.  I don’t remember exactly what they were but they went somethin’ like ‘I, Michael William Bayard do solemnly swear to execute faithfully the office of President of the United States.’

I kinda chuckled and nudged Leslie.  She kinda looked at me funny.  I don’t think she got it.  I didn’t get it either to be honest with you, but it sounded funny.

But then the judge reached out his hand to the new guy and that’s when he said it.

‘Congratulations, Mister President.’

I shot right up from my seat…

‘Whoa, whoa whoa!  What just did you just do?!’

The judge and Bayard looked at me funny.  Then the judge explained to me that he swore in Michael Bayard as our nation’s president.

‘I didn’t agree to that!’ I shouted at him, ‘I did not agree to that!’

The new guy told me it was his inauguration.

That was news to me.  I thought they had said initiation.  I thought we were initiating the new guy!

The judge asked me why I hadn’t read the news in the papers.  Well I don’t read newspapers.  I read the back of the cereal box in the morning.  Newspapers are for people who can’t afford cereal.

The new guy asked me hadn’t my advisors been briefing me on this.  I told him no, I have a strict ‘no briefing’ policy.

The judge interrupted us, tellin’ us the crowd was gettin’ restless and we really had to proceed.

I reiterated to him that I did not agree to this for the record.  I then demanded he pull out the record and put down that I did not agree to this.

The new guy started gettin’ angry with me and started lecturin’ me on how my term is up.  Then he pointed out to the crowd and told me the American people chose him to be their new President.

That enraged me more.

You know that look I get on my face sometimes?  You know that real icy glare I get?

Yeah, that thing came over my face.

I slowly shifted my glance from the new guy out to the crowd.  I walked up to the podium and started shoutin’

‘Why….you….backstabbing….  I knew it was you!  I’m gonna pass so many laws, you’re not gonna be able to walk down the street without getting’ arrested!  I’m gonna make it so when you flush the toilet, water shoots up at you instead of down!  I’m gonna raise your taxes so high and spend all the money on candy!’

I was fuming!  My threats went on for another good hour and a half until Leslie finally pulled me out of there.

Later, there was a chopper waitin’ to take me back home toTexas.  The new guy came by to tell me farewell.

I pointed at that helicopter and I told him ‘I’m gonna call this Air Force One.’

‘That’s not Air Force One,’ he told me.

‘Yeah, well I’m gonna call it that,’ I told him.

He didn’t really say anything.  He just shook my hand and wished me well.

I asked him, ‘you sure you don’t need me to stick around?  You know, help you run the country and all?

He told me that wouldn’t be necessary.

‘Just offerin’’ I said,

I climbed up the stairs heading up to the helicopter.  I stopped for a second at the top and then climbed back down.

‘I need to go back to the White House,’ I told him, ‘I forgot my keys.’

‘Your keys to what?’ he asked me.

‘Dang it!’ I cursed.

I climbed on board that plain old helicopter and flew back to begin my boring life as an ex-president.

Sincerely,

President James J. Walker.

P.S. – That last chapter was a good chapter.  Lots of raw, uncooked emotion.  I dare someone to read that and not cry.  If someone did read that and did not cry, I would put that person on par with a monster.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

Discussion

6 thoughts on “Diary Of A Mad Ex-President

  1. If President J.J. Walker ever publishes the full diary, I’m getting one

    Posted by List of X | May 11, 2012, 11:13 pm
  2. What par is a monster?

    Posted by MrTheKidd | May 11, 2012, 3:50 am

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: Diary of a Mad Ex-President – Chapter 2: Idiots in other countries « Army Of Awesome People - May 24, 2012

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