(It’s been a rough week for the Secret Service. First, a prostitution scandal has cast a shadow over the agency and has wrecked the Secret Service’s reputation for being good tippers. On top of that, they had to interview Ted Nugent, after the ‘Motor City Mad Man’ told the NRA he will be “dead or in jail” if President Obama is reelected. We caught up with Nugent for this exclusive interview)
AOAP: We want to cut right to the chase. Mr. Nugent, you’re under investigation for your statement that you will be “dead or in jail” by this time next year if President Obama is reelected. Yet, just last year did you not make the exact same threat if Prince William went through with his marriage to Kate Middleton?
AOAP: Do you not think these types of threats are a bit childish? I mean, certainly you couldn’t have expected Prince William to remain single forever.
NUGENT: No man, I never said that.
AOAP: So, what, it was just that you didn’t like the idea of him being married to a ‘commoner?’
NUGENT: No man! I mean I never said what you said I said! I could give a crap about Prince William..
AOAP: Could give a crap now, but did you or did you not say, and I quote, “The moment of truth was here and now, I felt his touch his guiding hand…”
NUGENT: No man, that’s from my song..
AOAP: You wrote a song about Prince William?
NUGENT: No! It’s from my hit song ‘Fred Bear.’
AOAP: If that was a hit song, how come I’ve never heard of it?
NUGENT: You just quoted it!
AOAP: So you did say those things.
NUGENT: Yeah, they’re lyrics to a song about hunting
AOAP: A song about hunting to be clear and not about one man’s love for a prince?
NUGENT: No! You’re taking me out of context.
AOAP: Well, I was actually just referring to the singer Prince, so technically you just took me out of context.
NUGENT: You know what man? I don’t know what the hell..
AOAP: Alright, alright. The Royal Wedding occurred, you’re not dead, you’re not in jail, you dealt with it some how.
AOAP: Next topic.
AOAP: Do you think Pippa is hot?
AOAP: Pippa. She’s the woman Great Britain is trying to make out as being incredibly hot but by American standards she’s pretty average.
NUGENT: Look, stop talking about England alright?! I don’t know why you’re under the impression that I know so much about it! I mean, I’m under investigation by the Secret Service and all you can ask me…
AOAP: Secret Service? Oh man, did you hear what happened with those guys last week?
NUGENT: Everybody heard about that!
AOAP: Sorry, it’s just that I know I for one was shocked to learn how long those guys stand on their feet faithfully guarding our nation’s important people and landmarks.
NUGENT: That’s not even… AH!!! Listen man you’re about this close to me pulling out my crossbow and…
AOAP: That’s what I wanted to ask you about.
AOAP: Is it true you posed nude to raise awareness for PETA.
AOAP: It says here…Oh, sorry wrong notes. Here we go. Is it true you posed nude to raise awareness for the NRA?
AOAP: Well what good are you?
NUGENT: Listen to me, I’m under investigation for my remarks to the NRA that we need to ride into the battlefield in November and chop the Democrats heads off. What I’m here to tell you is that every reference I made to firing a shot or targeting the enemy, always ended with ‘in November in the voting booth.’
AOAP: So, for the average American who might not understand such douchey language, firing a shot means voting.
AOAP: So later on in that NRA conference, when you mentioned that you shot a buck in the woods last fall, you actually meant that you had voted for him?
NUGENT: DAMN IT! That’s it! I’m out of here!
AOAP: Alright, Kid Rock, thanks for joining us. Join us next Monday on Army of Awesome People when we check in with Demi Moore and find out how her marriage to Ashton Kutcher is going.