Recently, we sat down with Suzanne Collins to discuss Hunger Games, which, as we’re told, she authored and became a blockbuster hit. So far, we have been unable to verify that information, and we clear the air with Suzanne.
AOAP: Suzanne thanks for joining us today. Is that your real name? Suzanne?
AOAP: Ok. Good. We’re just running a necessary and minor security check on you to confirm your identity; and no. I’m sorry you can’t have any food yet.
AOAP: So, my wife and I battled recently about what to have for dinner. We went back and forth for hours. I would ask her, what do you want for dinner and vice versa. This went on and on and on. Is this what your story is about… a couple bickering about what to have for dinner?
SC: No. Not at all. It’s about a post-apocalyptic era where…
AOAP: people are playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos and the winner gets to choose the pizza toppings, right?
SC: Again, no. You see, my story is…
AOAP: Ok. Ok.
SC: Wait. May I prepare a plate of the cuisine you have out now?
AOAP: We’re sorry, but no. You can’t have any of that food. Hunger Games must be about a human who is in love with a vampire and the human taunts the vampire by tilting her head to either way exposing her neck to the vampire, which certainly drives the vampire wild. That makes sense, right? Hunger Games. She’s playing games with the vampire who really wants to suck her blood and she’s teasing him with her neck. Ha. You’re brilliant Suzanne.
SC: What? Clearly you don’t know who I am or what Hunger Games is all about.
AOAP: We do know who you are Suzanne. Don’t you remember the security check we did earlier?
SC: I do remember that, yes.
AOAP: Good. Can we move on now? By the way, what’s that grumbling sound?
SC: I suppose we can move on; and you’re hearing my stomach growl because I’m terribly hungry from having to sit here and stare at the bountiful spread of food you’ve put out.
AOAP: Oh yes. That is an awful lot of food isn’t it? Well, we think the story you’re writing, Hunger Games, should be about gangs of teenagers who are pitted against each at a local arcade who have to play Burger Time or Pac-Man – no one is hungrier than Pac-Man, always trying to eat dots and fruit and, of course, those silly ghosts. Oh, and this would be set in the 1980s.
SC: Why are you suggesting what Hunger Games should be about? It’s done. I’ve written the story and it’s now a movie.
AOAP: Perhaps you can do a rewrite or a prequel then using our suggestions. Seems fair to us. That’s the least you could do for all the grief you’ve given us during this interview.
SC: Um. I don’t think so. I’m going to have some of that food now.
AOAP: Look at you Ms. All High & Mighty. You can’t have that food. Sit down.
SC: What do you mean I can’t have any of that food? Why is out and who is it for?
AOAP: You beat us at Q*bert and you can have anything you want from that table of food.
SC: Are you serious?
SC: Forget it. I’m out of here. I’m going to Taco Bell for a Doritos Locos Taco.
AOAP: Well that’s rude isn’t it? All this food we prepared for you and you’re just going to leave. Ok. Goodbye Suzanne. Good luck with your silly Hunger Games story.
Suzanne ran out of the Army of Awesome People offices and we laughed uncontrollably for a good while as we had just played a hunger game on the author of Hunger Games; and then we ate all the food.
© 2012 by James Miller