Last Friday’s world record jackpot sparked a lottery ticket buying frenzy. On advice from experts, I will never flat out reveal if I won the money or not. To the average person, I’ll appear to be the same old Tim. However, there are some small signs that I’m a few hundred million dollars richer:
-I’m no longer talking to you. I have a solid gold robot that does that for me now
-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine
-Instead of texts and tweets, all of my messages are now sent via Gorilla-Gram
-My hilarious seltzer squirting lapel now shoots out 100 year old scotch
-Rather than a doorbell ring or a phone call, my presence is now preceded by a 110 piece musical ensemble performing an 8 minute number revolving around the fact that I am about to enter the room.
-Instead of tapping you on your shoulder to get your attention, I get a jet pilot to break the sound barrier
-My pet monkey ‘Chip Dip’ now drives a preowned Chevy Cruze (I didn’t want to get him anything too expensive on the off chance he crashes it)
-Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.