Last Friday’s world record jackpot sparked a lottery ticket buying frenzy. On advice from experts, I will never flat out reveal if I won the money or not. To the average person, I’ll appear to be the same old Tim. However, there are some small signs that I’m a few hundred million dollars richer:

Some guy called my robot C3PO. I told him stop giving my robot confusing names. He said it's from Star Wars. I told him I didn't understand the reference
-I’m no longer talking to you. I have a solid gold robot that does that for me now
-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine
-Instead of texts and tweets, all of my messages are now sent via Gorilla-Gram
-My hilarious seltzer squirting lapel now shoots out 100 year old scotch
-Rather than a doorbell ring or a phone call, my presence is now preceded by a 110 piece musical ensemble performing an 8 minute number revolving around the fact that I am about to enter the room.
-Instead of tapping you on your shoulder to get your attention, I get a jet pilot to break the sound barrier
-My pet monkey ‘Chip Dip’ now drives a preowned Chevy Cruze (I didn’t want to get him anything too expensive on the off chance he crashes it)
-Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.
Nice!
Wow!
aahahahahahhahaha genius: -Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.
love it!
x
Hilarious! My husband’s response to the kids whining about something they want, “Well, I want a solid gold toilet but we don’t always get what we want now do we?”.
We discussed what obnoxious things we could do with the money if we won, we agreed that hiring actors to follow us around all day would be pretty entertaining. However, they had to follow us around portraying a character that they have played before, like Steve Carell as Barry in Dinner for Schmucks.
I love the idea of the gorilla gram. Much more personal than an standard text or tweet.
I dream of a world where we replace facebook with a bunch of people in gorilla costumes that all talk to each ohter face to face, and then relay those messages back to us.
I am thoroughly laughing my fool head off over here! My husband and I had a similar conversation over the weekend about what we would do with that kind of money. We came to the conclusion that not much would change, except for maybe some very subtle hints. Like for example, if you knocked at our door, the doorbell might play “Mr Big Stuff” (that was his idea), and I might actually tell all of my former employers what I actually thought about how they ran their business. My current employer would be safe, because I would want to keep my job, but then I would be working because I felt like it. And I would spend all of my free time blogging.
Buying a dressed up gorilla is of course a must when winning the Lottery :).
I was thinking of trying to train gorillas, but dressed up gorillas would probably work better
Simple, straight to the point and hilarious. If only you could afford the jet pilots t or the gorilla-gram. Both would make my day. Scratch that, either of them would make my year. Cheers.
Thanks! and cheers to you as well
NO WAY! that’s what exactly what I would do. I’m suing for identity theft.
Tell you what, if drop your lawsuit, we’ll drop our plans to open a credit card in your name.
Reblogged this on The Sugar Quill and commented:
This made me laugh SOOOO hard.
Thanks for the reblog. Looking forward to reading The Sugar Quill. I love sugar and I’m terrified of quills, so this sounds right up my alley!
You are welcome! My main blog is Rabbitholereview.com but I couldn’t figure out how to put this one a blog where I review YA Lit. This was great. I already emailed it to a bunch of friends and had to leave the website because it was making me laugh during a class!
How can I win the lottery if I am not buying the ticket???Very slim chance of winning…I’d rather be contented with what I have and be a good stewart at the same time, share my blessings with my family and those who are in need…love life even if I am not rich!
http://pinkangel26.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/the-graph-of-life-is-not-always-a-straight-line-2-2/
I don’t know… share blessings or unleash solid gold robot… you’re right that’s a super tough choice
I literally guffawed at reading this. So simply-written that the brilliant humour is the star of the entry. Love it! Glad you didn’t win the lottery, or else you might never reply to this comment :p
Hilary xx
Thank you! Actually, had I won I would have responded with a full blown musical number. Unfortunately, due to budget all I have is a milk jug and a broken rubberband, but I’ll do my best to make a song.
I’ll jimmy you a little maracas out of an empty matchbox and a couple a pebbles. ‘S long as you got rhythm, then we can work on the music.
hilarious! sharing this with friends
Thank you! And please pass along my very best to your friends as well, unless they hate it, in which case, please pass along my punches.
Hunting for blogs worth reading much less following is a headache inducing chore. But yours is witty and interesting. I look forward to seeing more of this army.
Thank you! The Army is always at your service, and if there is a foreign nation you would like us to invade, please let us know!
I find a 3 week old bag of stale chips funnier than your reasons…have you considered PETA in your inhumane use of Gorillas in “Gorilla Grams?” you should be ashamed of your self.
I DID consider PETA, but they refused to dress up like gorillas
You are too funny. The rest of my family are asleep. I’m jetlagged and reading your blog post laughing my head off. I hope no one heard or else they’ll think I’m going mad.
Thank you! And my best to your family. Actually, wake them up please and give them my best.
Hilarious!
Thanks. What would it take to get to two exclamation marks?
First answer this, when the 110 piece ensemble announces your presence, do you appear or your solid gold robot?
I appear. The drum core solo causes the robot to malfunction.
Oh okay, that’s what I thought. I mean, that was the most obvious, reasonable scenario. Hehe…Thanks for the laughs!!
Super funny !!
Thank you and good use of exclamation marks!
Hilarious
Thanks! What would it take to get an exclamation mark at the end of that?
LOL, I’m a writer trying to avoid exclamation points when at all possible, so I just leave them off out of habit 😉
Here you go:
!
If i ever win the lottery, i’ll be sure to let you know vis Gorilla Gram.
If the gorilla gram could also include a box of gorilla graham crackers that would be a nice touch
Zomg yes! And a complimentary bottle of gorilla glue!
Love it!
And, in return, this post loves you.
Thanks Tim, Where can I find more recent work of yours?
Thanks for your interest. Besides my other work on this site(https://armyofawesomepeople.com/author/timkochenderfer/), here are a few links:
I’m a published playwright. You can read large samples of my work at my publishers sites – http://www.playscripts.com/author.php3?authorid=82
as well as – http://www.brookpub.com/default.aspx?pg=ab&afn=Tim&aln=Kochenderfer
I also did some work for Cracked Magazine a few years ago – http://www.cracked.com/members/tim-kochenderfer_contributor/
And I’ll have more to come on Army Of Awesome People in the days and weeks ahead.
Cheers, now I have what to read over passover 😛
I’ve been told my work goes well with bitter herbs and unleavened bread
After I got a head start last night reading some of your work (I couldn’t wait) I would say more the charoseth! Thanks for the laugh! (Bush’s letter to Iraqs Prime Minister). Brilliant!
After I got a head start last night reading some of your work (I couldn’t wait) I would say more the charoseth! Thanks for the laugh! (Bush’s letter to Iraqs Prime Minister). Brilliant! Happy Hollidays 🙂
Charoseth sounds delicious. Thank you for associating my work with it. Enjoy your seder meal and have a happy Passover. I’m not Jewish but I do have some kosher wine at home which I shall enjoy in your honor this evening.
Why thank you, was it good? Your articles are for some excellent and humorous reading! I can’t get enough. A big fan 🙂
It was good, but it was super sweet. Glad you’re enjoying my work! Thanks for reading!
We had a dry wine, a merlot made in Chile lan zur, next time your in a wine store.. just saying 🙂
If.i.won.the.lottery.i.would.do.a.backward.roll.and.then.jump.into.a.hot.tub.and.then.go.underwater.and.then.come.back.up.and.say.woooohooo.like.a.loony.so.then.i.would.be.talking.to.a.sandwhich!!!!!!
If i won the lottery i would probably do what you did and then i would do it all again!!! 🙂
I’m glad you’ve included emerging from underwater in your plans. It’s always key, when planning to go under any kind of water, to also plan to resurface.
I’ll keep that noted 🙂
Mmm, scotch lapel.
and for the kids, butterscotch lapel
Mmm, scotch pen.
and for the kids, butterscotch pen
LOVE this!
and it loves you
All cute and laugh worthy, thanks!
thanks ric!
Other signs…
* I now have a chauffer who rolls out a ‘red carpet’ when I get out of the backseat of the car.
* I have a personal assistant following me around to do all my chores.
*My pomeranian named “Noodles” has his own personal valet.
*All my calls and mails are handled by someone else
*I fly a private jet to complete all my travels
But at the same time….I would like to remain anonymous when helping the world.
How about instead of red carpet, your chauffer lays down hardwood or laminate when you step out of the car?
I would really like that. 🙂
Reblogged this on threemenredhead.
Thanks for some ideas in case I win the Canadian lottery! Unfortunately, our lotto is capped at $50M so if I am ever graced by the Probability Gods, I’ll have to trim a little fat off of some of your ideas, like by sending the Gorilla-Gram by “general delivery”.
ha, ha, ha! you have a amazing sense of humor! perhaps you will like my blog- http://imockatbullshit.wordpress.com/
I’m just winding down my blogging day but if my boss is not around I’ll pay you a visit tomorrow!
Witty! A characteristic limited to a few!
9th sign, you have acquired a lemur monkey to follow you around at all times holding a boom box, playing your theme song “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. Very funny, I love this article 🙂
love it! let’s switch lemur monkey with robot monkey and “Can’t Touch This” with “Let’s Get It Started” (I always felt that was Hammer’s better work)
nyce!!!!
Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine
I would definitely do this if I won the lottery (and after paying tons of dollars for liposuction sessions)! 😛
nah skip the lipo. if people don’t like what they see, shine a flashlight in their eyes.
Very funny! Great take on the lottery fantasies. While everyone is thinking about the cars and houses, you came up with buying golden robots and walking around in the nude. Haha, love it.
Just so you know, a couple of your ideas helped spark the idea for my post today. So thanks!
Actually, I was thinking I would try to make the robot rather than buy it, but thanks! And glad I could be of service
Haha classic! I’m going to have to keep these in mind for when I win the lottery!
I’ll start work right away on a robot for you
I read the post once, then reread (most of it) to my friend. Only after that did I see the picture of C3PO on the side and finally get the gold robot. (My friend doesn’t know Star Wars and as such, wouldn’t get it anyway.)
I think once you told your friend about Captain Kirk and about how they have great coffee and theres one on every corner your friend would have been like ‘oh yeah, Star Wars’
I was really into the signs until you got to the make out part. Hilarious post.
Still laughing…
5 minutes of laughter. Mission accomplished.
Another five! Double mission accomplished. I have a lot to think about now when I win the lottery. I guess I have to play once in awhile though too!
-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine
Hands down my favorite one. Thanks for making me lol today…
I love this!!!!! I’m so glad someone else knows the woes of winning the lottery. 😉
It’s a tough burden to bare
Too funny! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! It is almost like winning the lottery, except there is no cash involved!
There’s no cash involved?! Crap!
you have some very extravagant and unusual tastes. all the best to you.
Reblogged this on interesting12 and commented:
“I’m no longer talking to you, I have a solid gold robot that does that for me now.” HA!!! LOVE IT.
Tim thanks you and appreciates the repost – sincerely T-BOT2000
Dig it! Robots, Monkeys and moderately priced used cars are the things of Lotto Winning Dreams!
Thanks. And may I add, nightly dinners at Applebees to that list?
Sedan chair. More pizza. Mysteriously vanishing neighbors.
Sounds like a poem I heard once
Great post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. My personal favourite is #2. I appreciate that your wardrobe would neither enlarge nor improve, instead, being inordinately rich would cause you to do away with it altogether. I certainly did not see that one coming! 🙂 Abbie
Thank you! I had considered just doing a cape, but I have a huge fear of what would happen if it got caught in the ceiling fan.
Ah, an obvious drawback. Better stick to being The Naked Bandit then. After all, what is the point of being insanely rich if you can’t be insanely eccentric? Thanks for following me by the way!
How about a tattoo of a cape?
I say this sounds like money hilariously spent.
I’ve always heard the two best investmenst you can make are in the lottery and in hilarious gags.
hear, hear
On the off chance that your monkey calls on me is he qualified to lend me a few bucks. I too may have won a good sized lottery. Check the robot’s software regularily. Mine ran off with my money. That is why I am a little short this month. Regardless I am so happy to be your new best friend. As such you don’t need to talk to me. I understand. Good work. All of it.
Chip Dip is defnitely not qualified to lend money, but I’ll send some to you via robot. Thanks for the tip on the software upgrades. Right now, the robot’s running off of Windows 95. I’ll see if there have been any upgrades to that program.
I love LOVE the idea of the gorilla gram and am thinking the acrobat thing could be cool so long as we had final approval on the acrobats you hire!
I’m working to improve our acrobatic staff, it turned out some of them were too heavy for the trapeze
Unicycle duty then! Thanks for wandering through!
Hehe, that’s hilarious!
In the UK recently, a bus driver took a phone call which advised him that his syndicate had won the lottery. So, he walked off the bus and left a load of passengers stranded! Bet he wishes he’d read this first cos now he just seems silly.
That’s the number one reason why I don’t use public transportation. Fear that my driver will suddenly win the lottery
haha that was awesome. Good call on the Chevy Cruze, every knows monkeys are terrible drivers. (That’s sexist or racist or anything is it?
Thanks! It’s specie-ist – but I’ll allow it.
haha thanks for the fun read
the mental image of the acrobats is a hoot!
Acrobat coming your way to show appreciation for your comment.
“-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine”
HELL. YEAH. never have to do laundry again? i can get behind that.
hahahah! #BringingNudistBack
This is one of the best posts I’ve seen in quite some time. Thumbs up!
An answer from an expert! Thanks for cogtbirutinn.
Good stuff–thanks!
Thank you Madame Weebles
LOL!!! I too want my own Gorilla Gram!
I want my own mix tape!
Loving your post – Gorilla Gram – ha! Congrats on being FP!
Thanks! Gorilla gram coming.
Hilarious. I especially love “Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.” Congrats on FP. Happened to me last week–get ready for some mega views! I’ll definitely be coming back for more of your funny in the future!
Thanks. Looking forward to your return. And I love cake and I love truth so your blog sounds right up my alley,
I wish I could win the lottery!
Now that I’ve won the lottery and I’m on the inside, I’ll see if I can make that happen.
Thanks! That’s great 😀
Never in a thousand years would I do all these things if I won the lottery…….o.k. I am Fibbing!
What about in ten years?
As I said, “I was Fibbing.” but yep, I would do what you would, but with cream on top!
Thanks for making me laugh.
Also, feel free to make me your charity case and pay off my student loans if you ever win!
Or even if you never do.
My pleasure. I’ll at least lower your interest rate.
C3-who?
C3D2 I believe
thanx for the wonderful share…
STC Technologies
Thank you!
Very funny post, especially considering the myriad of lottery-related “humor” posts that have been floating around…
Is there really such a thing as a Gorilla-Gram?? There should be…
There is. I have a feeling one day they will completely replace Twitter
yeah… can’t wait for that day lolling all the way.
I can only hope and pray that your prediction will come true
Love it. Thanks for the laughs. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed by the way. This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time on Freshly Pressed. I look forward to reading more.
Thanks. I appreciate that!
Reblogged this on LittleLessonsLearned and commented:
Lesson #35: Take Time to Appreciate the Efforts of Others
This has made me smile twice today, so I figure it’s worth spreading the joy…
…9th sign… u do exactly what this guy is doin g in this clip!
Thank you. Proud to have made a guest appearance!
Hahaha…hot acrobats…hot ones!! 😉
They’re only hot if I don’t have to split the pot.
I knew it was you that won the lottery the minute I saw the ad on Craig’s List looking for someone to write a blog for a newly rich person!
Congrats on being Freshly Rich…oops, I mean Freshly Pressed.
Mr. Bricks
Wait, putting an ad on Craig’s List to hire someone to write a blog for me…hmm not a bad idea. Now I just need to win the lottery.
I’ll see if I can make that happen. Thanks!
This was hilarious!! I’m glad it was one of the featured blogs on the WP home page. Thanks for brightening my day!
Being Freshly Pressed is kinda like winning the lotto. So, congrats!
Thanks. Expect a gorilla gram soon.
Clever post! I really like the 100 year old Scotch squirting from your lapel… Thanks for the chuckle!!
Thanks! Most people seem put off when I introduce them to my scotch squirting lapel. Glad to see everyone’s not so uptight.
Reblogged this on dmaportland.
I really like the scotch from the lapel…
It’s also a lot more convenient than a flask
I wish you WOULD win the lottery.
Me too Ambermlee75, me too.
Hahaha! This is great! Thanks for brightening my day!
-Joe
Thanks Joe!
When I was reading your post, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if the author actually did win the jackpot.” And then I scrolled down and read that you are a six-time Emmy winning producer and figured that you are already WAY. TOO. COOL.
I’d rather have six Emmys than 600 million dollars.
http://indiraadams.wordpress.com
haha thanks. I should add they’re local Emmys. I’d rather have the $600 million.
Hilarious, especially the last one!
I’ll send an acrobat by to show my appreciation for that comment.
That is cool, hire me as an acrobat!
Send your resume. I should note, the health benefits suck.
hahaha!! funny and creative.
Thanks coloradokate. Sincerely, michigantim
this is amazing. thanks!
thanks for reading!
Brilliant. Thanks for the ideas!
My husband and I said we’d finally get a new van. And I’d totally have someone clean my house for me. I’m tired of sweeping up crumbs. Spoken from the mouths of lame parents. We can all dream, right? Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Great post.
haha.. this is the funniest thing I have read all year…
nice to hear! thanks!
LOL, now I know how to behave when I do win – thanks!
oh so witty. loved it.
🙂
Very nice and original ideas. Keep on playing the lottery and “we” will be able to tell when you hit all the numbers!
I’m usually very good at dodging kisses blown to me. But acrobats? I hope they’re Italians. 😛
They’re sweeds. It was the best I could do in the limited amount of time I had.
Brilliant ideas! Check out the lotto results at Lotto.com and let us know if you have won the lottery. We would love to see your “Solid Gold Robot” once you win the lottery.
This is great. Thanks for the laughs.
Permission to reblog? I’d love to refer friends to the article…
reblog all you’d like thanks!
Nice lol from you thanks.
Now I really want to win the lottery! Good luck!
“solid gold robot” ! Hope you win the lottery and we get the chance to see these ideas become real.
Great ideas! And congratulations on winning the lottery(freshly pressed).
So does the solid gold robot tell the Gorilla what to do? And if so, at what point does this become a human apocalypse that combines both the Matrix and planet of the apes. For gods sake man, think about what you are doing. I’m off to stock up on tinned goods and hide in a bunker.
clever ideas! and i don’t care how rich, if we were friends and you sent me a gorilla gram like that, we’d be done. 🙂
I think I may just start sending all messages via gorilla-gram…despite not winning the lottery.
Wouldn’t life just be inherently happier that way?
😉
In theory yes, but I should mention that the gorillas are extremely tempermental
I hope you win someday! Just keep blogging and sharing your millionaire adventures!
Wow, it’s good to be you – congratulations to both you and Chip Dip. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to playing with my dust bunny, since I can’t afford a real pet. You see, some of us didn’t win the lottery.
Awesomely funny! Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Great ideas! What a beautiful way to start the day — laughing and stretching my imagination. And I won’t waste time getting dressed, either.
And what happens to the laundry? 😉
but what will your driver drive??
🙂
“Instead of texts and tweets, all of my messages are now sent via Gorilla-Gram” love that. It would be so weird to get one of those simply saying ‘running late, will be there in half hour’ lol!
woah! go Tim: http://horiwood2.com/2012/04/02/pinnacles-monument-park/
I would pay every clown in America a salary if they promised to STOP being clowns…. they’re creepy.
Oh, by the way, congrats on being Freshly Pressed! I was too busy trying to rid the world of clowns, and I forgot to mention that the last time….
Love 😀
Very funny and well written article. I love it.
Hilarious 🙂
i cracked up with “Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine” hahah i love that idea although I don’t think I have enough confidence to do it..LOL
brilliant. I would love to receive a gorilla-gram 🙂
OOHHH … like the acrobat one and I would love a gorilla gram … I think i would buy 100 roast-chickens and only eat the skin, I would have a guy follow me all day telling me how wonderful and pretty I am and if it rains I would have men in suits lie down in puddles for em to step on
And if you decide to live in England, give the monkey a Ford Cortina instead of a Chevy. Good job.
I don’t know of the monkey can drive on that side of the road.
I don’t think it would matter too much, it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else over here. Anything’s possible with the promise of a banana…
OOOHHH like the acrobat one and would love a gorilla gram … I think I’d buy 100 roasted chickens and only eat the skin or have a guy follow me all day telling em how wonderful I am and if it rains I’d have men in suits lie down in the puddles for me to walk over …
Genius.
Hahaha. Goodbye, Tim, goodbye. Where are those acrobats?? 😉
They got tangled up. They’ll be there, they’ll be there.
Hilarious! 🙂 Love it.
Just hilarious!
I love this article 🙂
Reblogged this on triadarabarlian and commented:
totally hilarious hahahahahha 😀
totally recommended, read this !
Just my sense of humour. Thanks for the giggle to start the day!
That was hilarious, that made my day. Thank you!
You are now giving me a lot of ideas what to do with the money 😉
Thanks for the ideas!