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Tender Moments with Honey Badger

Well, we did it. It took some doing, but we finally finagled an intimate one-on-one with the infamous Honey Badger. Considering he’s never entertained the notion of an interview, we are all very grateful he chose the Army of Awesome People to be his first; and hey, hey, my, my – this was an experience we won’t soon forget. Ok… dive right in to this Honey Badger (HB) and Army of Awesome People (AOAP) Q&A.

AOAP: Good evening Honey Badger. How are you? Thank you for taking the time to sit with us today.

HB: Don’t do that.

AOAP: Don’t do what?

HB: Patronize me and be all, like, thank you and junk.

AOAP: Oh. Um. Ok.

AOAP: We’ve been dying to say this.

HB: (eye roll)

AOAP: You know what’s neat?! That fact that you’re a badger and you can talk.

HB: I’m thinking of getting up, punching you in the throat and smashing my way through that wall.

AOAP: Why are you such a badass?

BH: Listen you! I’m a badass. That’s it. That’s all there is. Badass.

AOAP: Really? That’s it? There’s nothing more to the Honey Badger façade?

HB: %@#$ you!

AOAP: Whoa there fella!

HB: Honestly, I’m trying to lock down an opportunity to have my own energy drink.

AOAP: Oh yeah?

HB: Yes. I want it to be called “I Don’t Care” Energy Drink.

AOAP: Sweet. That, like you, would be badass!

HB: Dammit! Stop condescending me Mr. all high and mighty with my comedy blog.

AOAP: That was a low blow. Perhaps you should leave. You’re just too badass for us.

HB: (sniffle) (sniff) (sniff)

AOAP: Are you starting to cry?

HB: Shut up! No.

AOAP: Yes. Yes you are. You’re welling up in the lookie-sees.

HB: Look. It’s all an act. I do care. Honey Badger does give a $%&#. I hate killing snakes, but I have to eat. Also, I have to get this off my chest. Ok. Here goes. I killed Winnie the Pooh in a scuffle over a honeycomb; and getting stung by a million bees does hurt. It hurts like a bitch!

AOAP: Wow! I don’t know what to say about all this. You rather caught me off guard.

HB: Oh $&%#! You can’t print this. I’ll never get that energy drink deal if you do.

AOAP: We’ll think about it.

HB: Really?

AOAP: No.

HB: Crap.

AOAP: Well, with that. I think I’ll end this fun chat. I have a parting gift for you.

HB: Really?

AOAP: No.

HB: (uncontrollable weeping)

AOAP: Wait. Stop. I was joshin’ ya with that one. Here you go. Here’s the present.

HB: (blows nose)

AOAP: Open it.

HB: Ok. Thank you.

AOAP: Go on.

HB: (opens present) A honey bear? Really?

AOAP: Yes. You’re welcome. But wait, there’s more in that bag. Dig down.

HB: Why are you running away?

AOAP: Just open it (said from a distance).

HB: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A BEES NEST!!!!!!!!!!!!! $%&#!!!!!!!!!

AOAP: Goodbye badass Honey Badger. It was fun. Best of luck with that energy drink project.

© 2012 J.R. Miller

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About James Miller

James Miller is author of Basie & Paisley Children's Books, including "A Spider Lives In My Belly Button," "A Monstrous Smile," and "A Moose In The Basement."

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