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Satire

The End Of Football

(A football game.  A pile of football players struggle to recover a fumbled ball.  The ref runs in blowing his whistle)

REF: (over PA) Ball fumbled, recovered by the defense.

(Player #1 rushes over to the Ref, furious)

PLAYER #1: That’s crap, ref! That ball is ours!

REF:  The ball was recovered by the defense, son!  Get off the field!

PLAYER #1: My knee was down before I lost possession of the ball!

REF: It was?  Oh.  From here it looked like lost the ball before your knee was down, but… you know, it was your knee, so, I guess you would know.  Yeah, you know what, I’ll make it up to you.  Tell you what, I’ll give you some extra points.  On me.

PLAYER #1: What?

(The Ref turns to the crowd, blows his whistle and signals a touch down.  Six points are added to the scoreboard.  The opposing Coach runs onto the field)

COACH: How the hell do you figure they got a touchdown?!

REF: Hang on, I’m about to explain. (turns on his mic to address the crowd) Prior to the snap, touchdown, offense!

(The crowd cheers)

COACH: What?! That doesn’t explain anything! How the hell could he possibly  have scored a touchdown?!  We’re midfield!

REF: (yelling) You get back on the sidelines coach, this doesn’t concern you!

COACH: (screams) The hell it doesn’t concern me!  You just called a touchdown and no one is near the end zone!  I demand to know just why the hell..

(Ref #2 runs onto the scene)

REF #2: Coach, coach, give me a second.  We’ll check the tape. (pulls the Ref aside) What the hell are you doing? You can’t just give out touchdowns!

REF: I made the wrong call.  Now, I’m a big enough man to admit when I made a mistake…

REF #2: First of all, they have to earn the touchdown!  Secondly, it was a turnover.  You made the right call!

REF: I did? (offended) That football player lied to me!

REF #2: Yeah, well…

REF: I’ll take care of this.

REF #2: Wait!

REF: (opens mic, to crowd) Upon closer review of the tape, no touchdown was scored.  Ball was recovered by the defense and prior to the tackle, the defense scored a field goal. (the audience erupts in boos) In addition to this, two safetys occurred.  That’s 7 points!

PLAYER #1: What?!  They didn’t hit a field goal!

REF: (screams) You shut up!  You lied to me!  You lied to me!

(Coach #2 runs over)

COACH #2: What is the matter with you?!  I’m going to report you to the league!  This is going to be your last game!

REF: Yeah, well this will be your last game because I’ll report you to the league for teaching your players how to lie!

COACH #2: What?! You don’t make any sense! You are the worst ref in the NFL! You’re stupid, you’re ignorant of all of the rules, you’re blind, you’ve made some of the worst calls in the history of football and I have never been more turned on in my entire life!

(Coach #2 grabs the Ref, kissing him furiously.  The audience stares in shock.  An announcer walks in front of the camera)

ANNOUNCER: This is the end, ladies and gentlemen.  The end of football.

(Announcer #2 runs in)

ANNOUNCER #2: What?!  You can’t just call the end of football!  You are the worst announcer ever! Your play-by-play sucks, you don’t know the proper terminology, you don’t pronounce any of the players names right and I have never been more turned on in my entire life!

(Announcer #2 grabs the announcer and kisses him passionately.  Announcer #3 steps in)

ANNOUNCER #3: This is the end, ladies and gentlemen.  The end of announcing.

(Cut to a living room.  Two fans are watching the game)

FAN #1: Oh big deal.  So we don’t have to hear mindless babble and meaningless statistics anymore.

FAN #2: You are the worst fan ever! You never support your home team, you don’t get excited and I have never…

FAN #1: Don’t touch me.

(c) 2012 Kochenderfer

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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