An Open Letter To Mitten Manufacturers

I have searched everywhere for a comfortable pair of mittens but always come up short on my left hand. It would seem that all mittens everywhere are made for people with five fingers so I am hoping that maybe I could special order a pair for someone like myself with special needs.

You see, my father was a traveling fireworks salesman and when I was young he would often let me travel with him on sales calls. To earn my keep, I was responsible for demonstrations and learned to perform several dangerous tricks that would always impress the clients and almost always result in a sale.

Well, on one sales trip to Tupelo Mississippi when I was 8 years old, things went horribly wrong. I was just finishing performing one of my most dangerous and impressive tricks called the “M-80 Triple Deluxe Fire Mountain Throw-Down”, where I would swallow three M-80’s after lighting their fuses, place 4 full packs of lit sparklers up my nose and stand barefoot on top of 80 bricks of exploding Black Cats. Once the sparklers burned out, I would puke up the still lit M-80’s into my hands and throw them against the wall with my vomit. Just as the mixture hits the wall the M-80’s explode and the resulting vomit stain and smoke look like a mural of a smoking volcano. (I would like to point out here that I am a highly trained professional and you should never try this at home. Also, please see attached photo of some of my work) It was the way I would close most of the deals for my Dad but apparently, in Tupelo Mississippi, they frown upon throwing vomit and fireworks. The guy yelled at me to stop mid-throw but it was too late and we didn’t close the sale. In fact the guy was so mad he threw us out on the spot. I was so angry and embarrassed that when I was getting into the car I slammed my hand into the door severing all of my fingers and part of my thumb from my right hand.

My father rushed me to the hospital after a quick stop at another potential clients for a demonstration. I didn’t make all the way to the M-80 Triple Deluxe Fire Mountain Throw-Down but we got the sale anyway.

To make a long story short, at the hospital, Dr. Gump was in a hurry to get through the surgery so he could go shrimp fishing and re-attached all of my severed fingers and half thumb to my left hand. When I woke up, both of my hands were bandaged up so it was not until a month later that I realized that I had eight fingers and one and a half thumbs on my left hand and only half a thumb on my right.

I have come to terms with my new configuration and I have found that it enhances my firework demonstration abilities but I will be DANGED if I can find a good pair of mittens that fit properly. Can you make something that may suit the needs of this poor fireworks salesman for around $5?