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Untold Tall Tales of Paul Bunyan: By the Beard of Paul Bunyan

This is not Paul Bunyan, but a reenactment of the occurrence.

There are many stories about ole Paul Bunyan and his noble four-legged beast, Babe the Blue Ox, that have been shared by a flickering campfire for generations.

We, here at the Army of Awesome People, continue to be the benefactors of many exclusive, rare and never-before-seen journals, which we are grateful to accept.

Paul Bunyan’s kin kindly bestowed upon me the great Paul’s personal journal with tales that have never been read by anyone other than Mr. Bunyan. This was partly because it has been guarded for decades by a herd of blue oxen, and also due to the fact that it was an immense journal that required a crane to move it.

To acquire the journal took many animal tranquilizers to put down the oxen and heavy machinery. The journal traversed hundreds of miles from Paul’s homeland to my estate where I poured over Paul’s personal notes.

I’m honored to share with the world now, a piece of Paul Bunyan’s life. Enjoy.

It has been a long day full of lumberjacking all over Alaska and eating flapjacks the size of a pond. I do enjoy watching the townsfolk grease up my griddle with pats of butter tied to their feet. It makes me laugh every time the butter melts down and they scramble to get out of the griddle before getting burned. Oh, the glorious enchantment of it all.

This particular day I awoke to my majestic beard scratching and making me feel extremely itchy. As I headed out with Babe to hack down trees with one swipe of my axe, the itching continued to grow in intensity. By the time I reached the western shore I could take it no more. I reached into the sea and plucked a whale from the depths. I used the whale’s baleen to shave off my beard to the skin.

With the irritating whiskers removed and in the belly of the whale I returned the gentle giant back to the sea to swim freely.

Flip ahead in the journal about 20 years:

Today was especially extraordinary! Babe and I made a tenuous journey down the western shoreline where we encountered trees unlike any we had ever seen before. These trees seemed to touch the sky and have intimate conversations with the clouds… probably requesting rainfall to quench their monster roots.

Babe and I were determined to unravel this mystery and learn the origin of this giant wooded forest. We visited the nearby villages and struck gold. An elder told us that years ago he had seen a whale off the shore twitching and rolling in the water. It struck him as odd and continued to watch the whale. Suddenly the whale erupted sending a dark cloud of particulate into air. The salty sea winds carried the contents of the whale’s belly inland where it littered the soil. The elder traveled to investigate what had landed on and in the dirt. Upon investigation he could only describe the items as large whiskers.

I looked at Babe with immediate wonder thinking back two decades to when I shaved that itchy beard off with a whale.

The elder continued his explanation that the whiskers burrowed into the soil and grew into the grandiose forest of Red Wood trees.

In complete awe, I ran with the speed of a swinging axe to the shore and plucked another whale from the sea in hopes of duplicating this tremendous event to create more Red Wood trees. As I was just about finished shaving with the whale I sneezed, which made me accidentally throw it into the canopy of the Red Wood trees. That poor whale was met by squirrels that cannibalized it immediately. My whiskers, now in the belly of those whale-eating squirrels were transformed instantly into giant sized mammals. They quickly descended from the canopy above and threatened to eat Babe, me and every whale in existence. In a hard-fought battle, Babe and I destroyed every last squirrel – Babe with his mighty hooves and I with my trusty axe.

Exhausted, we returned home where I grew my beard back and never shaved with a whale again.

(c) 2012 J.R. Miller

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About James Miller

James Miller is author of Basie & Paisley Children's Books, including "A Spider Lives In My Belly Button," "A Monstrous Smile," and "A Moose In The Basement."

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