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Satire

An Interview Without The Vampire

I can’t tell you how I stumbled down this road, but here I was.  I was in an old church belfry, waiting to meet with a man….. nay, beast more like it.  I was given a note a fort night ago to meet in this very spot at one past midnight.  I arrived early, as to not be taken off guard.

I checked my pocket watch.  12:01 exactly.

“I see you got the invitation.  How delightful”.

I whirled around in the cramped room, knocking about the chandelier I had lit.  As the chandelier settled, I was able to view my host whom seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

He was a tall thin man, elegantly dressed.  He appeared to be one who has lived a life of old money (blood), and was not shy in his flamboyancy.  His face was gaunt yet handsome, and much too pale for the season.  He wore a blood red cloak that seemed to flow in the wind even though there was no draft.

In a flash he was up and standing directly in front of me.  I can tell you I have never seen anything move like that in the natural world.  While it was indeed a “flash”, it also had a very penguin like wobble to it.  I guess you would have to see it.

As he studied me like a piece of veal, I noticed that there was something peculiar about his mouth.  He appeared to have orange and yellow canines with white tips.  Also he had to keep adjusting them.  I asked him what it was and for the first time I noticed that his speech was somewhat garbled.

“Heese are foa suaking your bwood!”  He barely got out.

“How’s that now?”, I asked.

“Pwepawr to succum to eternaw dammnasion!”

I grabbed his face a turned him towards the light.  It appeared that he had placed candy corns in his teeth.  Also I noticed that he was wearing one one those glasses, nose and mustache sets.  I pushed him away and looked at him.  He was only about three and a half feet tall and wore giant clown shoes, an old timey bathing suit and a hat made out of a Lucky Charms’ box.

“I, um…I think there’s been some mistake”, I said.

He took the candy corns out of his mouth and said, “the only mistake was you coming here and me being here and me wearing this outfit and you not being afraid and me again, now die!!!”.

At this point I seemed to have plenty of time to get out of the way and go and sit down in a chair while he came slinking after me.  The speed of the slink must of been too great for him because he smashed right in to the wall and turned into a puff of smoke.  I briefly saw what looked like a parakeet emerge from the ashes and quietly slink off into the night.

Basically they need a better lighting system in that belfry.

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About Jason Gooley

Thank you for your interest in me. Where do I start? Well, I guess I'm made up of about the average amount of cells. Let's see...2 arms, 2 legs...Yeah that sounds like me.

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