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Osama bin Laden’s Final Interview Released

The rules were simple for me to get this interview.  I was to be blindfolded and led to his secret hideout.  I was to ask questions, which were to be translated by one of his assistants.  I was not to have a translator.  I would only be able to understand his answers when I returned to the USA.  It would be then that I would understand how truly chilling this terror mastermind is.

Translator: (to Tim Kochenderfer) You may begin your questions.

Tim Kochenderfer:  Thank you.  (to bin Laden)  And thank you sir for welcoming me into your home.  So I hear you had a little bundle of joy recently enter your life.  Tell me, how does it feel to be a father?  Has it changed your life?

Osama bin Laden:  I don’t know… I don’t…  What are you talking about?  (to Translator) Tell him next question.

Translator:  Next question!

Tim Kochenderfer:  Okay, so do you have to change the diapers, or do you have people to do that for you?

Translator:  No more questions about fatherhood!

Osama bin Laden:  What’s he saying?

Translator:  Nothing director.

Tim Kochenderfer:  Okay, you’ve spent a lot of time in the desert.  If it wasn’t cold in the arctic, would you live there?

Osama bin Laden:  It doesn’t matter!

Tim Kochenderfer:  There would probably be more hiding spaces.

Osama bin Laden:  It doesn’t matter!  It’s not warm there so why are we even talking about it?!

Tim Kochenderfer:  If they paved the desert, would you be mad or would that be a good thing?

Osama bin Laden:  Why would they pave the desert?!  These questions are foolish!  Tell him to ask me about terrorism!

Translator:  Ask him about terrorism.

Tim Kochenderfer:  Okay, have you ever met Osama bin Laden and if so, what’s he like?

Osama bin Laden:  I am Osama bin Laden!

Translator:  He is Osama bin Laden!

Tim Kochenderfer:  Oh wonderful!  Okay, let’s say you manage to get your suicide bombers into the White House…

Osama bin Laden:  Okay, good.

Tim Kochenderfer:  And when he went to detonate the bomb a ton of rubber snakes shot out, like your bomb maker played a joke on you or something.  Would you be mad?

Osama bin Laden:  Yes!  I would be furious!  Of course I would be furious!  These are not real questions!  You need to  know I will bury  the west and will not rest in my efforts until the world is under my rule!

Tim Kochenderfer:  Let’s talk about jihad.

Osama bin Laden:  Okay, good.

Tim Kochenderfer:  Can you tell me the difference between jihad and let’s say a pancake breakfast.

Osama bin Laden:  Jihad is holy war and pancake breakfast you eat it!  The differences are too many!  It would be a waste of time to name them all!  Listen to me, you and the rest of the infidels are in for a massive attack.

Tim Kochenderfer:  Yes, I agree, maple syrup is good.

Osama bin Laden:  I wasn’t talking about maple syrup!  Who set this interview up?!

Tim Kochenderfer:  What do you like better?  Islam or Judaism?

Osama bin Laden:  What do you think?!  (to translator)  This man has no idea who I am!

Tim Kochenderfer:  Okay, tell me this.  If a man is sent to prison, do you think his beard should be sent to a separate prison?

Osama bin Laden:  No!  There are no prisons for beards!  Beards are not a living thing!  Now listen, the west is a great Satan!  The only way to destroy it is through violence!

Tim Kochenderfer:  Let me ask you this, if Muhammad was alive today and you saw him wearing a baseball had and wearing a shirt that says ’I heartUSA’ would you change your ways?

Osama bin Laden:  Blasphemy!  Execute him!

(at this point another terrorists runs in)

Terrorist:  Director, I’ve arranged that pancake breakfast inside the New York Subway system, just as you’ve requested.

 Osama bin Laden:  Idiot!  I didn’t say pancake breakfast, I said Jihad!  Jihad!

Tim Kochenderfer: (to my photographer)  He’s calling for a pancake breakfast, let’s get out of here!

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About Tim Kochenderfer

I'm about yay-high and weigh about yay pounds

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