The rules were simple for me to get this interview. I was to be blindfolded and led to his secret hideout. I was to ask questions, which were to be translated by one of his assistants. I was not to have a translator. I would only be able to understand his answers when I returned to the USA. It would be then that I would understand how truly chilling this terror mastermind is.
Translator: (to Tim Kochenderfer) You may begin your questions.
Tim Kochenderfer: Thank you. (to bin Laden) And thank you sir for welcoming me into your home. So I hear you had a little bundle of joy recently enter your life. Tell me, how does it feel to be a father? Has it changed your life?
Osama bin Laden: I don’t know… I don’t… What are you talking about? (to Translator) Tell him next question.
Translator: Next question!
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, so do you have to change the diapers, or do you have people to do that for you?
Translator: No more questions about fatherhood!
Osama bin Laden: What’s he saying?
Translator: Nothing director.
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, you’ve spent a lot of time in the desert. If it wasn’t cold in the arctic, would you live there?
Osama bin Laden: It doesn’t matter!
Tim Kochenderfer: There would probably be more hiding spaces.
Osama bin Laden: It doesn’t matter! It’s not warm there so why are we even talking about it?!
Tim Kochenderfer: If they paved the desert, would you be mad or would that be a good thing?
Osama bin Laden: Why would they pave the desert?! These questions are foolish! Tell him to ask me about terrorism!
Translator: Ask him about terrorism.
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, have you ever met Osama bin Laden and if so, what’s he like?
Osama bin Laden: I am Osama bin Laden!
Translator: He is Osama bin Laden!
Tim Kochenderfer: Oh wonderful! Okay, let’s say you manage to get your suicide bombers into the White House…
Osama bin Laden: Okay, good.
Tim Kochenderfer: And when he went to detonate the bomb a ton of rubber snakes shot out, like your bomb maker played a joke on you or something. Would you be mad?
Osama bin Laden: Yes! I would be furious! Of course I would be furious! These are not real questions! You need to know I will bury the west and will not rest in my efforts until the world is under my rule!
Tim Kochenderfer: Let’s talk about jihad.
Osama bin Laden: Okay, good.
Tim Kochenderfer: Can you tell me the difference between jihad and let’s say a pancake breakfast.
Osama bin Laden: Jihad is holy war and pancake breakfast you eat it! The differences are too many! It would be a waste of time to name them all! Listen to me, you and the rest of the infidels are in for a massive attack.
Tim Kochenderfer: Yes, I agree, maple syrup is good.
Osama bin Laden: I wasn’t talking about maple syrup! Who set this interview up?!
Tim Kochenderfer: What do you like better? Islam or Judaism?
Osama bin Laden: What do you think?! (to translator) This man has no idea who I am!
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, tell me this. If a man is sent to prison, do you think his beard should be sent to a separate prison?
Osama bin Laden: No! There are no prisons for beards! Beards are not a living thing! Now listen, the west is a great Satan! The only way to destroy it is through violence!
Tim Kochenderfer: Let me ask you this, if Muhammad was alive today and you saw him wearing a baseball had and wearing a shirt that says ’I heartUSA’ would you change your ways?
Osama bin Laden: Blasphemy! Execute him!
(at this point another terrorists runs in)
Terrorist: Director, I’ve arranged that pancake breakfast inside the New York Subway system, just as you’ve requested.
Osama bin Laden: Idiot! I didn’t say pancake breakfast, I said Jihad! Jihad!
Tim Kochenderfer: (to my photographer) He’s calling for a pancake breakfast, let’s get out of here!
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