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With A Neighbor Like This, Who Needs Neighbors?

One afternoon, when the lawn was long and the bees were skinny, I was outside doing some yard work.  I was just about ready to call it a day when I heard the fateful creek of my neighbor Troy’s back door.  I looked up and noticed that he was wearing shorts and a T-shirt……The very same items of clothing that I was wearing!  What are you playing at here Troy?

“What did you say?” said Troy.


“You said something about ‘playing’ and also mentioned my name.”


“Just now.”

“Oh, I thought that was my inner monologue?”

“What was?”


We went on like that for about a half hour or so.  After that, Troy started some conversation about the ‘moon and the stars in somebody’s eyes’, or something stupid like that.  I couldn’t get off the idea that Troy had my number.  How did he know what I was going to wear that day?  Had he been spying on me?  How can I beat him at his own game?

“What?” said Troy.


The next day, I was ready for him.  I had only slept a couple of winks, but I wasn’t going to be made a fool of again.  I spent the better part of the night drawing up diagrams and charts to try to figure out what Troy would be wearing so I could beat him to the punch.  If I did my math correctly, it seemed that a stove-pipe hat, a cape and leg warmers were to be the dress of the day.

I went outside and could hear Troy whistling a NKOTB tune from inside his garage.  I prepared myself to finally obliterate the wretched Troy.  Certainly there would be nothing he could ever do to me again after I had made him the ultimate fool, right?

“What?” I heard from in the garage.

At that point I jumped around the corner, only to see that I had made a huge mistake.  It turns out I forgot to include suspenders in my outfit, for there was Troy in his giant stove pipe hat, his flowing cape and the warmest looking leg warmers I have ever seen.  He also had the longest and shiniest suspenders, that ran from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet.  I blew it.

I took out one of those old-timey guns that you have to put powder and the bullet into. You know the super long ones that they used in older wars that would take forever to load?  No! Not those guns!  The ones that would generally be fired all at the same time and be wildly inaccurate!!!………….and shot him.

(The picture below was the last picture ever taken of Troy and me.  Note the significant height variation between his hat and mine….jerk.)

About Jason Gooley

Thank you for your interest in me. Where do I start? Well, I guess I'm made up of about the average amount of cells. Let's see...2 arms, 2 legs...Yeah that sounds like me.


One thought on “With A Neighbor Like This, Who Needs Neighbors?

  1. maybe this is the same reason my owen can’t quite sit still for winnie the pooh yet…he thinks pooh is inside his head will all the confusing back and forth out-loud to inner-dialogue! next time he has trouble falling asleep after story time i’ll have a MUCH better idea why…..look out silly ol bear! puts a much darker spin on things…

    Posted by Mary Alice Conklin Smart | February 1, 2012, 9:21 am

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