Police in San Francisco are still trying to figure out who swiped a zoo favorite from the San Francisco Zoo last week (see the NPR report). “Banana Sam,” a squirrel monkey, was returned by a bystander who says he found the simian about a mile from the zoo. He (the animal, not the bystander) was described as hungry, trembling and thirsty when he was returned to his home days later. The man reportedly called police after he spotted the monkey and coaxed it into his backpack. After his return to the zoo, “Banana Sam” agreed, actually calling us, to an “Only On” interview with the Army of Awesome People.
AoAP: Thank you for calling us during this difficult time. How are you feeling today?
BS: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. It’s good to see you again (wink, wink). I’m still shaking, but am getting back to normal. I even screamed and threw feces at a couple visitors just this morning.
AoAP: Isn’t that behavior reserved for chimpanzees and gorillas?
BS: Typically. But – and you’re the only person I’ve told this to – I’m in the middle of going through a species change. You know.
AoAP: Hey, I’ve been there. Go on.
BS: Well, let’s just say I’m pre-op.
AoAP: That would explain the exceptional lack of hair and full-length dress you are wearing right now.
BS: You got it, babe!
AoAP: Okay, let’s move on. Do you remember the moment you were monkeynapped?
BS: I don’t. I was pretty whacked out on Xanax and Five O’Clock vodka at the time. It was all a blur.
AoAP: What kind of reception have you received once you were returned to the zoo?
BS: Let’s just say I rocked the house at the welcome home party. By the way, you never said goodbye that night.
AoAP: Umm, have police told you if they are close to catching a suspect?
BS: Well, I did a lot of finger-pointing in the past couple days. In fact, I got three numbers. Now, I just need the other four. Damn!
AoAP: There were reports you were seen at a Minnesota Vikings game last Sunday in Minneapolis. What do you have to say about that?
BS: Go Bears?
AofAP: Well, you know both those teams were eliminated from the playoffs.
BS: What? I love bears. Well, you know.
AoAP: I’m afraid I do. Let’s get back to the zoo for a second. What is the zoo doing to ease your discomforts?
BS: Besides free bananas and hammocks for life?
AoAP: Bananas? Hammocks? Life? Mmm. Talk to me about your family. What are they saying about all this?
BS: Well, my father doesn’t speak to me much after I told him about my plans with Ricardo. And my mother and I have grown apart over the years. I think her death had something to do with it. As far as my brothers and sisters are concerned – they’ve been tied up as of late. They’re both into that kinky lifestyle. I, personally, have to draw the line somewhere.
AoAP: Well, Banana Sam, it’s great to talk to you. Everyone at the Army of Awesome People is grateful you called us to talk exclusively. I know you have to get to Springer’s studios soon for your guest appearance on another matter. You should be in good shape with all your experience throwing things. And I understand Jerry is pretty good at slinging crap himself. Thanks again.
BS: Thank you. And you have my number (wink, wink).
AoAP: Uh, thanks again.
Police have not made any arrests, and they have not ruled out the possibility the man who says he found the monkey may be involved in the disappearance. If you have any information, please call Squirrel Monkey Crime Stoppers at 262-BANANAS.