Chief Scientologist Announces New Practices for 2012

The Army of Awesome People (AoAP) sat down for a one-on-one chat with the Church of Scientology’s chief operating thetan (COT) to get the scoop on the big changes.

AoAP:   Why the big announcement?

COT:      We want Earthlings (people) to know we’re going to be focused on having fun in the New Year.

AoAP:   What brought about this serious consideration to alter the Scientology belief system?

COT:      It’s widely known that the end of Teegeeack – or Earth as Earthlings (people) know it – is upon us, and it was decided that we’d loosen up a bit with Doomsday approaching.

AoAP:   Get out.

COT:      What?

AoAP:   Seriously?

COT:      Yes. In fact, the Mayan’s long calendar predicts this will happen on December 21, 2012 in their Dresden Codex.

AoAP:   Hmmm…. Sounds like you made it up just now.

COT:      I did nothing of the sort.

AoAP:   Why do you talk like that?

COT:      What?

AoAP:   Go on.

COT:      Well, we’re here so I can announce our list of new Scientology practices for the last year of Teegeeack.

AoAP:   Oh, right. Rattle off that list for anyone who cares then.

COT:      You don’t have to be rude.

AoAP:   Hey, don’t go getting all uppity with us. You called us for this interview remember? Plus, I thought you were going to be all about fun for the New Year. You are behaving quite the opposite of what you’re floating there preaching about.

COT:      Hey, don’t let anyone know I’m floating.

AoAP:   Too late. Now… the list please.

COT:      Yes. Yes. Ah, hem. So our fun, new practices and initiatives include:

1)      Our meetings will occur in public locations and will begin with a complex-choreographed flash mob.

2)      Our new mascot is Alf.

3)      Well-known members, who are celebrities, will be encouraged to take Earthlings for rides in their spaceships.

4)      We’re going to host bake sales to raise funds to build Doomsday shelters for the beings of this planet.

5)      Construction of an ultimate galactic power is underway, which will include carnival attractions such as The Rings of Saturn, Abduct the Earthling, Volcano Diving, Blow Up the Planet and much more.

6)      All office chairs will be replaced with egg-shaped re-animation stations.

7)      Uniforms will require rainbow suspenders with a t-shirt of the Great Gazoo wearing a tall, red and white Cat in the Hat hat.

8)      Every day will be Pirate Day as we will throw lavish recruiting parties in international waters where there are no laws and where anything goes.

9)      We will publicly announce what everyone is thinking about others with our fifth sense of reading minds.

10)   Lastly, we’re going to allow Isaac Hayes to return to South Park where he can once again provide the voice for Chef.

(c) 2011 J.R. Miller