I was a young man in college when I was presented with an opportunity to go to Vegas with my roommate. Having never been, I jumped at the chance. Especially because we could stay for free with his brother who lived there at the time.
The daily routine was laid out for me soon after arriving. We would party at the casinos until the sun came up, go home and drink a minimum of one case of Miller High life 40’s so we could build a “beeramyd” out of the empty bottles, go to bed, get up whenever and do it all again.
One night I added what seemed at the time to be a harmless ingredient to this recipe when we stopped for our 40’s. Behind the glass of the freezer in the local grocery store was a blue and white box of White Castle burgers that were begging me to take them home. I did. They were delicious. The next morning however, it became clear to me that something was amiss as something was trying to claw it’s way out of my stomach. I knew that we had done some crazy things the night before but I didn’t remember swallowing a live raccoon as being one of them so I chalked it up to the delicious White Castle burgers mixed with a night’s worth of booze and 2 or 3ish 40oz. High Life.
The car ride to the casino that evening was extremely uncomfortable to say the least as I held in what I knew without a doubt was going to be the most unbelievable, heinous smelling gas that any man has ever laid nose on. I was very relieved when we arrived at our destination and I immediately began searching for a private place to let this raccoon out but the walk to the elevator was short and I knew that it would follow me in. So I decided to wait.
It wasn’t until all 5 of us had secured our places in the elevator that the greatest idea ever hit me. It took me all of 5 seconds to decide that I was going to hot box the elevator. I waited patiently for the doors to start closing and as they did I unleashed Hell’s fury from my backside. The raccoon had been freed and now I waited for the horror to come over the faces of my friends as the smell slowly permeated the elevator air.
The doors were inches from closing, my evil deed seconds from reaching the pinnacle of hilarity when, to my dismay, a man’s hand reached in and opened the doors. I froze. I thought about running but my legs wouldn’t move. I couldn’t even say anything as this man, his lovely wife and young daughter (all of maybe 5 years old) entered the elevator completely unaware of the terror that awaited them. It was not until the the doors were completely closed that the most horrible, nose burning, retched stench began to find its target. Everyone politely covered their noses, not knowing who had produced the smell, trying their best not to fall to their knees and vomit. Everyone, that is, except for the little girl, who with a horrified look on her face managed to squeak out only two words with a tear in her eye. “Mommy why?”
I lose sleep at night knowing that because of me, somewhere out there is a girl who refuses to ride in elevators to this day. I’m sorry little girl, wherever you are. Maybe your dad will be more careful about his elevator choices in the future.