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Satire

CONSUMER ALERT: Beware of candy canes that double as actual canes

Candy Canes, a German based cane company, founded by Herr Pfefferminze, is in a taste of trouble.

With a seemingly brilliant idea, Candy Canes, more or less a fly-by-night company, set up operations this December to benefit from the holiday season to capitalize on merry spenders.

There have been reports of the people falling all over downtown and domesticated animals running around in a tizzy in the last couple of weeks. However, with Christmas upon us the reports are piling up along with those falling.

What’s going on? What is the connection? Well, our Army of Awesome People investigative team jumped on the case to solve this not-so-jolly mystery.

Upon reaching our destination, the problem was most evident. People were, indeed, strewn about the sidewalks and roads, and dogs, cats and mice were sprinting about town as if they were slap happy.

We kept hearing rumors from the townsfolk of an upheaval against someone called Pfefferminze. With further sleuthing about, we determined this Pfefferminze owned a cane company, which wasn’t just any cane company. Apparently this Pfefferminze produced only Candy Canes. Yes, canes made of candy.

Herr Pfefferminze was the only cane maker and provider in the region, and those who needed the assistance of a cane were at the mercy of Pfefferminze to buy one of his Candy Canes.

What Herr Pfefferminze thought was the best idea ever to manufacture Candy Canes, those using his (candy) canes thought otherwise.

Our Army of Awesome People investigative team learned that all the animals running free in the town were constantly licking these (candy) canes as people were attempting to get from here to there.  With the animals licking the canes throughout the day it was making the canes become pointed at the end and then brittle. This ultimately would cause the canes to collapse along with those using the Candy Canes.

So… people were laying about from broken Candy Canes, and the animals were running around from having too much sugar; and Herr Pfefferminze continues his monopoly reign on the townfolk to continually buy new Candy Canes after they break from animals licking them.

Another mystery solved.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

(c) 2011 J.R. Miller

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About James Miller

James Miller is author of Basie & Paisley Children's Books, including "A Spider Lives In My Belly Button," "A Monstrous Smile," and "A Moose In The Basement."

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