If Bob Cratchit Was a Suck-Up

(The Firm of Scrooge & Marley.  Scrooge sits working at his desk.  Enter Bob Cratchit smiling.  Scrooge looks up at him)

SCROOGE: Is there a problem, Cratchit?

BOB CRATCHIT: Problem?  How could there be a problem when I work for the most wonderful boss in the entire world?

(Scrooge stares at him for a moment and returns to his work)

BOB CRATCHIT: It’s just that it is bitterly cold out in the clerk’s office.

SCROOGE: I pay you to work, not to complain.

BOB CRATCHIT: Oh no, I’m not complaining.  I like the frigid temperatures.  The constant colds and fevers I get keep me on my toes.  It’s just that when I tried to complete the Waverly report this afternoon, the ink in my pen froze.  Then, when I tried to mail the report, the envelope froze to my tongue.  Then, when Mister Waverly came into the office to check on the status of his report, he froze to death.

SCROOGE: And I suppose you want more coal for the fire.

BOB CRATCHIT: Coal?  Oh no, no way.  Coal’s for losers.  Maybe just, um some glass for the window panes.

SCROOGE: What do you think this is?  The Palace of Versailles?

BOB CRATCHIT: You’re right.  Glass is a stupid invention.  Right up there with coal and fire.  But you know, I was thinking sir, it might be worth investing in a support beam for the clerk’s office.  I mean it would stop all of those cave-ins.

SCROOGE: Get back to work then Cratchit.

BOB CRATCHIT: Hoping you’d say that sir.

(Bob Cratchit turns to leave, but FRED busts in)

FRED: Merry Christmas Uncle!

SCROOGE: Bah!  Humbug!

FRED: Christmas a humbug Uncle?

BOB CRATCHIT: Yeah!  He’s right!  Christmas sucks!  So does New Years!

(Fred just glares at Bob Cratchit)

SCROOGE: If I had it my way, every idiot who went around saying ‘Merry Christmas’ would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

BOB CRATCHIT: I’d launch him out of a cannon!

SCROOGE: Cratchit!  I’m perfectly capable of handling this myself.

BOB CRATCHIT: Of course sir.

FRED: (to Scrooge) Have Christmas dinner with us tomorrow Uncle.  My wife and I would love to have you!

SCROOGE: Christmas dinner?  A frivolous waste of money.

FRED: Please Uncle?  We would be delighted to have you.

BOB CRATCHIT: No means no, you monster!

(Bob Cratchit grabs Fred by the arm)

FRED:Well you can’t stop me from wishing you a Merry Christmas!

BOB CRATCHIT:No don’t!

FRED:Merry…

(Bob Cratchit covers Fred’s mouth so he can’t complete the statement.  Cratchit leads Fred off stage and returns)

BOB CRATCHIT:Sir, there are two charity workers at the door asking for donations.  Should I have them destroyed?

SCROOGE: No.  Maybe just slap them around a little so they won’t come back.

BOB CRATCHIT:Yes sir.

SCROOGE:Cratchit, I’m impressed with the way you handled yourself back there with my nephew.  Keep that up and I could see you as a partner some day.

BOB CRATCHIT:Wow, Scrooge and Cratchit!

SCROOGE:Hey!  I didn’t say your name would be on the sign!

©2011 Tim Kochenderfer

Holiday plays by Tim Kochenderfer:

I’m Not Ebenezer Scrooge! – Playscripts, Inc.

Tracking Santa – Brooklyn Publishers