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Satire

10 Confessions of an Elf

On a recent vacation to the Arctic Circle, I became consumed by a vicious snowstorm. Unable to defend against the bitter cold I finally succumbed to the elements. When I came to I awoke in a small room which smelled like gingerbread and nutmeg. Hovering above me were a group of small people with funny hats and shoes which curled at the toe.

“Hobbits?” I asked.

This turned out to be a mistake, as I had immediately offended them.

They explained that they were in fact Santa’s elves. Unconvinced, I debated the claim for over an hour, eventually agreeing to disagree. Frustrated and annoyed, the care of my hypothermia took a backseat to the grievances of the little people. Over the next several hours I listened as they told me tales of life at the house. The following is a summary of what I can recall.

1. Prancer is a diva.

2. Parts for the sleigh are becoming difficult to find.

3. The melting polar ice caps have been flooding the basement workshop.

4. Santa is demanding more work for less pay.

5. Satellite reception is spotty at best.

6. Rudolph’s nose had to be replaced recently with an LED light.

7. Santa prefers a more nutritious snack as he exits the chimney.

8. Lately, Santa has been checking his list once instead of twice.

9. The walls of the Claus’ bedroom are thin….VERY thin.

10. Santa has been overheard saying that elves are creepy.

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