The cake I envisioned that you baked on my birthday
Dear “Friend,”
Birthdays are a very special time in a man’s life. They’re a time when he can look at himself in the mirror with pride and say “I made it through another year without getting killed.”
Yesterday, in particular, was a very important birthday for me. I turned 35 and can finally run for president without a fake ID.
Many of my Facebook friends couldn’t have been more thrilled. Many of them took the time to extend their birthday greetings. “Happy birthday.” Some of them wrote. Others got more personal, “Happy Birthday Tim.” Some even opted to use the exclamation point and a select few even used multiple exclamation points.
Yet, while sifting through these posts, I noticed that you chose not to extend birthday greetings to me.
Oh, I’m not mad. I mean, okay, yes I was a little agitated at first. I suppose casual observers might even describe my mood as furious. My wife will probably point out that I broke my laptop over my knee, but I’m over it.
I mean, alright, I didn’t ‘instantly’ get over it. I did go to the library where I broke a few other computers over my knee as well, but I got past that.
Okay, no, I didn’t get past that until I injured my knee and my doctor told me that I couldn’t break anything over it for a week, but I’m fine now. Really.
Now I just want to know why. I mean, you and I share a bond that I only share with a few hundred other people. We’re Facebook friends. Why didn’t you care if I had a happy birthday or not?
Is it because I respond to most of your Facebook posts with STFU? You do post a lot.
Is it because I put that I “disliked” that you went on a 12 mile run last night? I just think you can push yourself harder.
Is it because I tagged you in that bank robbery surveillance photo and the police came to your house? How was I to know that wasn’t you in the picture? The guy was wearing a mask.
Is it because I kept asking you if you were sure the baby in those pictures was really yours? She was extraordinarily cute and I don’t want to see you get hurt.
Is it because I added you to the Justin Bieber fan page? He needs support!
Is it because I showed up to your house with a bottle of wine when your status update read “remember Sept. 11th.” It looked like you were inviting me to a party.
Is it because I posted that editorial blasting several of the recent decisions you’ve made in your life? Maybe it would make you feel better to know that it was rejected by the New York Times.
Is it because you got that email from me offering you a great deal on Viagra and you thought I had fallen victim to a phishing scheme, but it turned out that I really typed up the email and sent it to you. I just wanted to make you aware of a great bargain.
Is it because after you unfriended me, I grew a moustache and tried to refriend you, hoping you wouldn’t recognize me?
I believe you owe me an explanation and I don’t want to hear some lame excuse like “Tim, I simply don’t like you” or “it’s because you’re an a**hole” or “I accepted your friend request by mistake but was too embarrassed to delete you.”
There is a comment section below. Please leave your explanation.
Love,
Tim Kochenderfer
*=s
Brian Croitori
Jason Gooley
Lindsay Tacia
List of X
Randy Shy
James Miller
Stickwick Stapers
Todd Daggett
Army Of Awesome People 
very funny page – but you seem to forget the point of being a man growing old is not to have everyone wish you a happy birthday as then you would have 1 less thing to moan about and 1 more step on the road to becoming a grumpy old man
Posted by chris | June 26, 2013, 5:45 pmPardon my ignorance. What is the full meaning of STFU?
Posted by seeker | January 6, 2013, 10:11 pmNo problem. S = shut, T=the, F I’m still trying to figure out and U= up
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | January 7, 2013, 12:50 amok. F is for figure. I got it thanks.
Posted by seeker | January 7, 2013, 12:56 amI think I’m going to pick one random person a day and tell them to STFU on Facebook and see what happens. 😀
Posted by haveagreyday | January 3, 2013, 1:44 amYou’re going to thank me. Just imagining their shock alone is joy enough.
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | January 3, 2013, 3:34 amI have evaded your person for 42 years and a few odd months…so during your birthday I was not known to you – and I’m still not – but Happy Birthday for next year. What’s the ST in f*ck you stand for?
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 2, 2013, 5:25 pmI feel like you may owe me a few happy birthdays retroactively
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | January 2, 2013, 6:09 pmA challenge? Ok – I’m up for it…I can copy/paste like a banshee…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 2, 2013, 6:19 pmThank you. Birthday Greetings accepted. Although, it would have been nice if maybe each wish was in a different font for each year?
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | January 2, 2013, 6:24 pmCan I just say, “Font You!” – and I am too cheap to have multifonts for my free wordpress subscription.
And where are MY birthday wishes? My birthday happens on National “Something on a Stick” day…I’ll send you Russian birthday greetings if you can find the day… Hint: it’s in 1 of the 12 months – and it has a at least one consonant and a vowel – and not even one of the wishy-washy vowels (yes, Y, you know I’m lookin’ at you).
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 2, 2013, 6:31 pmThen I shall wait until March 28th to wish you a happy birthday.
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | January 2, 2013, 6:33 pmС ДНЁМ РОЖДЕНИЯ
Spsibo!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 2, 2013, 6:36 pmSame thing here Tim… I don’t know whats so happy about getting older… At least in older days we’d get a crap loads of presents.. but nowadays all we get is a messed up Facebook wall with the notifications from 300 people whom we don’t even know..
Posted by Creative Donkey | May 2, 2012, 2:49 amDid you get any “HBD’s”? Epitome of facebook laziness. That definitely deserves a STFU
Posted by Lisa Moser | April 2, 2012, 9:17 pmoh man if someone did that to me….
Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | April 6, 2012, 6:30 pmThis is pretty funny and you put my thoughts almost exactly, haha.
Posted by Eric | April 2, 2012, 11:44 amSTFU and dislike.
Hate, Jim
Posted by sunnyjim76 | December 2, 2011, 8:21 amTim, STFU.
Posted by Sincerely, Leslie and Emily | December 1, 2011, 6:20 pm