Birthdays are a very special time in a man’s life. They’re a time when he can look at himself in the mirror with pride and say “I made it through another year without getting killed.”
Yesterday, in particular, was a very important birthday for me. I turned 35 and can finally run for president without a fake ID.
Many of my Facebook friends couldn’t have been more thrilled. Many of them took the time to extend their birthday greetings. “Happy birthday.” Some of them wrote. Others got more personal, “Happy Birthday Tim.” Some even opted to use the exclamation point and a select few even used multiple exclamation points.
Yet, while sifting through these posts, I noticed that you chose not to extend birthday greetings to me.
Oh, I’m not mad. I mean, okay, yes I was a little agitated at first. I suppose casual observers might even describe my mood as furious. My wife will probably point out that I broke my laptop over my knee, but I’m over it.
I mean, alright, I didn’t ‘instantly’ get over it. I did go to the library where I broke a few other computers over my knee as well, but I got past that.
Okay, no, I didn’t get past that until I injured my knee and my doctor told me that I couldn’t break anything over it for a week, but I’m fine now. Really.
Now I just want to know why. I mean, you and I share a bond that I only share with a few hundred other people. We’re Facebook friends. Why didn’t you care if I had a happy birthday or not?
Is it because I put that I “disliked” that you went on a 12 mile run last night? I just think you can push yourself harder.
Is it because I tagged you in that bank robbery surveillance photo and the police came to your house? How was I to know that wasn’t you in the picture? The guy was wearing a mask.
Is it because I kept asking you if you were sure the baby in those pictures was really yours? She was extraordinarily cute and I don’t want to see you get hurt.
Is it because I added you to the Justin Bieber fan page? He needs support!
Is it because I showed up to your house with a bottle of wine when your status update read “remember Sept. 11th.” It looked like you were inviting me to a party.
Is it because I posted that editorial blasting several of the recent decisions you’ve made in your life? Maybe it would make you feel better to know that it was rejected by the New York Times.
Is it because you got that email from me offering you a great deal on Viagra and you thought I had fallen victim to a phishing scheme, but it turned out that I really typed up the email and sent it to you. I just wanted to make you aware of a great bargain.
Is it because after you unfriended me, I grew a moustache and tried to refriend you, hoping you wouldn’t recognize me?
I believe you owe me an explanation and I don’t want to hear some lame excuse like “Tim, I simply don’t like you” or “it’s because you’re an a**hole” or “I accepted your friend request by mistake but was too embarrassed to delete you.”
There is a comment section below. Please leave your explanation.