As someone who is interested in the idea of the supernatural, I wonder why ghosts spend so much time simply scaring people. And often, this is done in seemingly lazy ways (i.e. walking around loudly in the attic, opening cupboard doors, moving curtains, etc.). Some ghosts may not let you know they are around at all. Why do they waste time and opportunities to do hilarious things they could never get away with during life? I believe it all boils down to poor planning. This will not be me. I’ve resolved to not fall into this “apathetic ghost” syndrome. Here are a few things I plan to do during my time between worlds:
1.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll subtly change around the sizes on your measuring cups so that your meals never taste quite right, but you aren’t sure why.
2.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll starch and iron all of your clothes for you. At first, you’ll really appreciate it, but then you’ll feel infuriated as you search for a pair of jeans without lame creases down the legs.
3.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll make you wiggle your eyebrows at people during very inappropriate times.
4.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll make you break into dance uncontrollably during work meetings. When people give you funny looks, I’ll place a pack of Mentos in your hand as if you think that makes your actions reasonable.
5.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll change all of the windows in your house into stained glass. Beautiful, but incredibly frustrating when you just want to check if it’s raining.
6.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll surround your house with a mote and make an alligator chase you to your car every morning.
7.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll progressively shrink your underpants in the dryer so that wedgies become a chronic problem.
8.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll sit next to you when you eat and knock the utensils out of your hands as each bite approaches your mouth.
9.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll change all of the pillows in your house into Pillow Pets… Your least favorite Pillow Pet.
10.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll change the holiday card family photo you painstakingly prepared for so that you look like you’re super ticked off in it. And your clothes don’t match.
11.) When I’m a ghost, I’m going to make sure that everytime you try to take something out of your pocket, all you pull out is a handful of Cherrios crumbs.
12.) When I’m a ghost, I’ll fill your house with impressive Lego towers. First, you’ll be annoyed about it, but then you’ll come to appreciate the quality of the architecture. And eventually, you’ll become obsessive and anxiety-ridden about keeping the delicate structures in tact.
As I understand it, ghosts tend to have lots of time to kill before going into the light. I’m just saying…you may want to start planning, too.