Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped by the gym where I work out. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person when he filmed a movie at my office, the experience was no big deal, but I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this’ Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing Pitt’s visit so they would feel as if they were there:
As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the gym where I work out. I have to say, you didn’t miss much.
First of all, he had a lot of trouble opening the door.
Second, he got super sweaty after taking just four steps into the gym. I mean, he was like, dripping with sweat. He was so slippery that when he sat down on an incline bench he went sliding off and crashed into some barbells.
He put 800 pounds onto the bench press and asked the oldest guy in the gym to give him a spot and when the old guy couldn’t lift the weight, Pitt forced the guy to try until he threw out his back.
Then Pitt shouted at the old guy ‘You just got punked!”
Pitt looked over at a guy who was watching and said ‘you think I can’t lift this?!’ and then went over to the next bench press, which had no weight and started lifting the bar furiously and when he was lifting he was screaming at the top of his lungs ‘ONE!!!!! TWO!!!!! THREE!!”
When the guy pointed out to Pitt that there was no weight on the bench, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, threw him into the tanning hex and set the time for 100 minutes.
Then Pitt walked over to the treadmills and started hitting on a woman who was clearly married, but as he was hitting on her his elbow was leaning on the controls, increasing her speed continually until she went flying off of the treadmill.
After she crashed into a giant potted plant that was behind the machine, Pitt looked down at her disgusted and said ‘date’s off.’
Pitt grabbed a donation jar that was on the front desk to help out a local sick kid and put every single dollar into the vending machine and he didn’t even buy anything, he just kept pressing the numbers that were out of stock over and over.
Then he said ‘let’s get some real sports up in here!’ He went out to his car and returned a short time later with a bucket of baseballs and a bat and started hitting line drives inside the gym.
When the girl behind the desk tried to call for an ambulance to help a guy who had been hit by a ball, Pitt picked up the phone and tried to swing at it, but missed. Then he stomped on the phone and said ‘That’s from Money Ball!”
Then he jumped up on the top of the leg press and shouted “I’M A GLADIATOR!!!!” and then said “That’s from Gladiator!”
When a guy pointed out to Pitt that he wasn’t in Gladiator, Pitt grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him into the locker room, tossed him inside an occupied shower and ordered him not to come out.
After that, Pitt jumped up on the front desk and shouted ‘Here’s a free workout video for ya’ll!” and started thrusting his hips violently. Then he shouted ‘That’s copyright ya’ll! Pay up!” and tried to collect a 100 dollar fee from everybody.
Then Pitt picked up a megaphone and shouted ‘Sic Semper Tyrannus!’ and then tickled a guy who was trying to hit his max bench before heading out the door.
I will say however, that working out in the same gym as a big star like Brad Pitt was a cool experience.