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The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Worked Out At My Gym

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped by the gym where I work out. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person when he filmed a movie at my office,  the experience was no big deal, but I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this’ Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept the following journal, carefully detailing Pitt’s visit so they would feel as if they were there:

Dear Ladies,

As you may have heard, Brad Pitt recently stopped by the gym where I work out.  I have to say, you didn’t miss much.

First of all, he had a lot of trouble opening the door.

Second, he got super sweaty after taking just four steps into the gym. I mean, he was like, dripping with sweat.  He was so slippery that when he sat down on an incline bench he went sliding off and crashed into some barbells.

He put 800 pounds onto the bench press and asked the oldest guy in the gym to give him a spot and when the old guy couldn’t lift the weight, Pitt forced the guy to try until he threw out his back.

Then Pitt shouted at the old guy ‘You just got punked!”

Pitt looked over at a guy who was watching and said ‘you think  I can’t lift this?!’ and then went over to the next bench press, which had no weight and started lifting the bar furiously and when he was lifting he was screaming at the top of his lungs ‘ONE!!!!! TWO!!!!! THREE!!”

When the guy pointed out to Pitt that there was no weight on the bench, Pitt grabbed him by the collar, threw him into the tanning hex and set the time for 100 minutes.

Then Pitt  walked over to the treadmills and started hitting on a woman who was clearly married, but as he was hitting on her his elbow was leaning on the controls, increasing her speed continually until she went flying off of the treadmill.

After she crashed into a giant potted plant that was behind the machine, Pitt looked down at her disgusted and said ‘date’s off.’

Pitt grabbed a donation jar that was on the front desk to help out a local sick kid and put every single dollar into the vending machine and he didn’t even buy anything, he just kept pressing the numbers that were out of stock over and over.

Then he said ‘let’s get some real sports up in here!’   He went out to his car and returned a short time later with a bucket of baseballs and a bat and started hitting line drives inside the gym.

When the girl behind the desk tried to call for an ambulance to help a guy who had been hit by a ball, Pitt picked up the phone and tried to swing at it, but missed.  Then he stomped on the phone and said ‘That’s from Money Ball!”

Then he jumped up on the top of the leg press and shouted “I’M A GLADIATOR!!!!” and then said “That’s from Gladiator!”

When a guy pointed out to Pitt that he wasn’t in Gladiator, Pitt grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him into the locker room, tossed him inside an occupied shower and ordered him not to come out.

After that, Pitt jumped up on the front desk and shouted ‘Here’s a free workout video for ya’ll!” and started thrusting his hips violently.  Then he shouted ‘That’s copyright ya’ll! Pay up!” and tried to collect a 100 dollar fee from everybody.

Then Pitt picked up a megaphone and shouted ‘Sic Semper Tyrannus!’ and then tickled a guy who was trying to hit his max bench before heading out the door.

I will say however, that working out in the same gym as a big star like Brad Pitt was a cool experience.

Sincerely,

Tim

Read – The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Visited The Office

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About Tim Kochenderfer

Tim Kochenderfer is a published and internationally produced playwright and humor writer, as well as a ten time Emmy award winning TV producer. His 22 plays have been performed in every state and in almost 20 countries. For more of his work: http://www.playscripts.com/author.php3?authorid=82 http://www.brookpub.com/default.aspx?pg=ab&afn=Tim&aln=Kochenderfer http://www.cracked.com/members/tim-kochenderfer_contributor Contact: timkochenderfer@yahoo.com

Discussion

28 thoughts on “The Horrible, Horrible Time Brad Pitt Worked Out At My Gym

  1. I don’t believe a word !!! :-/

    Posted by ctytrend | April 22, 2013, 4:53 pm
  2. Dear Tim,
    I am a great admirer of your posts. But imagine the torrent of emotion I experienced when a notification with the title: ‘Sucker I removed from Armageddon is growing’ appeared in my mail box and it turned out NOT to be one of yours. Apart from the natural disappointment I felt, having had my hopes of some less than sane interlude dashed, there was the confusion and general pain of it all. Ah, Tim. It was a bad day. The post turned out to be about…..well, that doesn’t matter really. Actually, if you can guess without looking it up, I will give you a prize. But the point is – such a good title going a begging. Maybe you could see your way to re-write it? Pretty please?
    Sincerely,
    Deirdre Morrison

    Posted by tranquilspace | May 2, 2012, 3:00 pm
    • Dear Deirdre,
      First, allow me to express my sincere regrets for your false hope and the bad day that followed. I feel directly responsible, but in a way, I also feel maybe Brad Pitt shares some of the blame? I’m not sure what the the ‘armageddon sucker’ post was about, but if I had to guess I would say it had to do with botony, and by guess I mean I googled it. I accept your rewrite challenge, but it may require some research and possibly even a spiritual journey (whiskey induced maybe?). I will begin that journey and keep you posted.
      With best regards, I am sincerely yours,
      Tim Kochenderfer

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | May 2, 2012, 8:44 pm
      • Thank you, Tim. I can hardly wait.
        You are correct. It was botany, but don’t you wish you could go back to that wonder-filled time when you didn’t know that? And as for apportioning some blame to Brad – well, why not? I’m sure a reason can be found if necessary. Often, such reasons are kept with the whiskey ;)
        Sincerely,
        Deirdre Morrison

        Posted by tranquilspace | May 3, 2012, 4:48 am
  3. Thank you for thinking of us women and being truthful in the recall. Seems like it wasnt something to miss, like all things involving Brad… swoon!

    Great job, laughed but still wanted to be there, (wink) I so would of helped him with the door and eaten all the vending food as if they were gifts to me, from him.

    Posted by Blue Aventurine | May 1, 2012, 2:09 pm
    • Thank you. I wanted to try and be as accurate and detailed as possible so the women would feel like they were there. As far as the vending food, he only got one packet of Reeses Peanut Butter cups which he tossed on the ground, smashed with his foot and shouted “who wants it?” and then when someone suggested he donate it to the sick kid he took it and put it through a paper shredder.

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | May 1, 2012, 4:03 pm
      • I really hope that the paper shredder goes up on Ebay! Because then people will understand that he didn’t not give the food to the child but created a bigger piggybank for the child to enjoy. God Bless Brad Pitt and you for sharing the Hallmark moment.

        Posted by Blue Aventurine | May 2, 2012, 8:46 am
  4. I would kill to see this acted out as a skit on SNL or something. But, I would want the real Brad Pitt to re-enact in the skit. All the jumping on top of things, yelling, and the hip thrusting. I would surely cry tears of an uncontrollable giggle fit. He would have to wear his workout uniform from Burn After Reading.

    Posted by becca3416 | May 1, 2012, 11:54 am
  5. I’m still waiting for the Angelina is the Devil post :D

    Posted by kelsgonebush | May 1, 2012, 5:01 am
  6. ha ha I liked it man :)

    Posted by Creative Donkey | May 1, 2012, 3:44 am

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