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Satire

8 Signs That I’ve Won The Lottery

Last Friday’s world record jackpot sparked a lottery ticket buying frenzy.  On advice from experts, I will never flat out reveal if I won the money or not.  To the average person, I’ll appear to be the same old Tim.  However, there are some small signs that I’m a few hundred million dollars richer:

Some guy called my robot C3PO. I told him stop giving my robot confusing names. He said it's from Star Wars. I told him I didn't understand the reference

-I’m no longer talking to you.  I have a solid gold robot that does that for me now

-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine

-Instead of texts and tweets, all of my messages are now sent via Gorilla-Gram

"I'm running late."

-My hilarious seltzer squirting lapel now shoots out 100 year old scotch

-Rather than a doorbell ring or a phone call, my presence is now preceded by a 110 piece musical ensemble performing an 8 minute number revolving around the fact that I am about to enter the room.

-Instead of tapping you on your shoulder to get your attention, I get a jet pilot to break the sound barrier

-My pet monkey ‘Chip Dip’ now drives a preowned Chevy Cruze (I didn’t want to get him anything too expensive on the off chance he crashes it)

-Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.

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About Tim Kochenderfer

Tim Kochenderfer is a published and internationally produced playwright and humor writer, as well as a ten time Emmy award winning TV producer. His 22 plays have been performed in every state and in almost 20 countries. For more of his work: http://www.playscripts.com/author.php3?authorid=82 http://www.brookpub.com/default.aspx?pg=ab&afn=Tim&aln=Kochenderfer http://www.cracked.com/members/tim-kochenderfer_contributor Contact: timkochenderfer@yahoo.com

Discussion

233 thoughts on “8 Signs That I’ve Won The Lottery

  1. aahahahahahhahaha genius: -Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.

    love it!
    x

    Posted by brownponytail | April 20, 2012, 9:17 am
  2. Hilarious! My husband’s response to the kids whining about something they want, “Well, I want a solid gold toilet but we don’t always get what we want now do we?”.

    We discussed what obnoxious things we could do with the money if we won, we agreed that hiring actors to follow us around all day would be pretty entertaining. However, they had to follow us around portraying a character that they have played before, like Steve Carell as Barry in Dinner for Schmucks.

    Posted by 4MyLifeFitness | April 9, 2012, 10:21 pm
  3. I love the idea of the gorilla gram. Much more personal than an standard text or tweet.

    Posted by friwan | April 5, 2012, 7:46 am
  4. I am thoroughly laughing my fool head off over here! My husband and I had a similar conversation over the weekend about what we would do with that kind of money. We came to the conclusion that not much would change, except for maybe some very subtle hints. Like for example, if you knocked at our door, the doorbell might play “Mr Big Stuff” (that was his idea), and I might actually tell all of my former employers what I actually thought about how they ran their business. My current employer would be safe, because I would want to keep my job, but then I would be working because I felt like it. And I would spend all of my free time blogging.

    Posted by destinyisntfree | April 5, 2012, 3:39 am
  5. Buying a dressed up gorilla is of course a must when winning the Lottery :).

    Posted by jumpingpolarbear | April 4, 2012, 2:37 am
  6. Simple, straight to the point and hilarious. If only you could afford the jet pilots t or the gorilla-gram. Both would make my day. Scratch that, either of them would make my year. Cheers.

    Posted by N.S. | April 4, 2012, 1:07 am
  7. NO WAY! that’s what exactly what I would do. I’m suing for identity theft.

    Posted by EzraWontShutUp | April 4, 2012, 12:57 am
  8. Reblogged this on The Sugar Quill and commented:
    This made me laugh SOOOO hard.

    Posted by Martha Cecilia (Alice) | April 4, 2012, 12:10 am
    • Thanks for the reblog. Looking forward to reading The Sugar Quill. I love sugar and I’m terrified of quills, so this sounds right up my alley!

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | April 4, 2012, 12:41 am
      • You are welcome! My main blog is Rabbitholereview.com but I couldn’t figure out how to put this one a blog where I review YA Lit. This was great. I already emailed it to a bunch of friends and had to leave the website because it was making me laugh during a class!

        Posted by Martha Cecilia (Alice) | April 4, 2012, 12:43 am
  9. How can I win the lottery if I am not buying the ticket???Very slim chance of winning…I’d rather be contented with what I have and be a good stewart at the same time, share my blessings with my family and those who are in need…love life even if I am not rich!
    http://pinkangel26.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/the-graph-of-life-is-not-always-a-straight-line-2-2/

    Posted by pinkangel26 | April 4, 2012, 12:02 am
  10. I literally guffawed at reading this. So simply-written that the brilliant humour is the star of the entry. Love it! Glad you didn’t win the lottery, or else you might never reply to this comment :p

    Hilary xx

    Posted by hilaryisaac | April 3, 2012, 11:26 pm
    • Thank you! Actually, had I won I would have responded with a full blown musical number. Unfortunately, due to budget all I have is a milk jug and a broken rubberband, but I’ll do my best to make a song.

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | April 4, 2012, 12:37 am
      • I’ll jimmy you a little maracas out of an empty matchbox and a couple a pebbles. ‘S long as you got rhythm, then we can work on the music.

        Posted by hilaryisaac | April 4, 2012, 9:19 pm
  11. hilarious! sharing this with friends

    Posted by here in the after | April 3, 2012, 8:59 pm
  12. Hunting for blogs worth reading much less following is a headache inducing chore. But yours is witty and interesting. I look forward to seeing more of this army.

    Posted by gravitasbaby | April 3, 2012, 8:54 pm
  13. I find a 3 week old bag of stale chips funnier than your reasons…have you considered PETA in your inhumane use of Gorillas in “Gorilla Grams?” you should be ashamed of your self.

    Posted by mikelcal | April 3, 2012, 8:18 pm
  14. You are too funny. The rest of my family are asleep. I’m jetlagged and reading your blog post laughing my head off. I hope no one heard or else they’ll think I’m going mad.

    Posted by chilliandmint | April 3, 2012, 7:16 pm
  15. Hilarious!

    Posted by creativenoshing | April 3, 2012, 6:19 pm
  16. Super funny !!

    Posted by shil | April 3, 2012, 5:12 pm
  17. If i ever win the lottery, i’ll be sure to let you know vis Gorilla Gram.

    Posted by Sarah | April 3, 2012, 3:11 pm
  18. If.i.won.the.lottery.i.would.do.a.backward.roll.and.then.jump.into.a.hot.tub.and.then.go.underwater.and.then.come.back.up.and.say.woooohooo.like.a.loony.so.then.i.would.be.talking.to.a.sandwhich!!!!!!

    If i won the lottery i would probably do what you did and then i would do it all again!!! :)

    Posted by sophiereader | April 3, 2012, 1:36 pm
  19. Mmm, scotch lapel.

    Posted by Chris G. | April 3, 2012, 11:32 am
  20. Mmm, scotch pen.

    Posted by Chris G. | April 3, 2012, 11:32 am
  21. LOVE this!

    Posted by DENYdesigns | April 3, 2012, 11:13 am
  22. All cute and laugh worthy, thanks!

    Posted by ric lotfinia | April 3, 2012, 10:27 am
  23. Other signs…

    * I now have a chauffer who rolls out a ‘red carpet’ when I get out of the backseat of the car.
    * I have a personal assistant following me around to do all my chores.
    *My pomeranian named “Noodles” has his own personal valet.
    *All my calls and mails are handled by someone else
    *I fly a private jet to complete all my travels

    But at the same time….I would like to remain anonymous when helping the world.

    Posted by Carmela | April 3, 2012, 9:18 am
  24. Thanks for some ideas in case I win the Canadian lottery! Unfortunately, our lotto is capped at $50M so if I am ever graced by the Probability Gods, I’ll have to trim a little fat off of some of your ideas, like by sending the Gorilla-Gram by “general delivery”.

    Posted by HoaiPhai | April 3, 2012, 2:37 am
  25. 9th sign, you have acquired a lemur monkey to follow you around at all times holding a boom box, playing your theme song “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. Very funny, I love this article :)

    Posted by Food & The City | April 3, 2012, 2:34 am
  26. Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine

    I would definitely do this if I won the lottery (and after paying tons of dollars for liposuction sessions)! :P

    Posted by The Background Story | April 2, 2012, 11:19 pm
  27. Very funny! Great take on the lottery fantasies. While everyone is thinking about the cars and houses, you came up with buying golden robots and walking around in the nude. Haha, love it.
    Just so you know, a couple of your ideas helped spark the idea for my post today. So thanks!

    Posted by Matt Tapp | April 2, 2012, 11:16 pm
  28. Haha classic! I’m going to have to keep these in mind for when I win the lottery!

    Posted by Style Connect AU | April 2, 2012, 9:34 pm
  29. I read the post once, then reread (most of it) to my friend. Only after that did I see the picture of C3PO on the side and finally get the gold robot. (My friend doesn’t know Star Wars and as such, wouldn’t get it anyway.)

    Posted by Abigail | April 2, 2012, 9:33 pm
  30. I was really into the signs until you got to the make out part. Hilarious post.

    Posted by Grumpa Joe | April 2, 2012, 9:29 pm
  31. Still laughing…

    Posted by theredbench | April 2, 2012, 9:07 pm
  32. -Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine

    Hands down my favorite one. Thanks for making me lol today…

    Posted by theredbench | April 2, 2012, 9:02 pm
  33. I love this!!!!! I’m so glad someone else knows the woes of winning the lottery. ;)

    Posted by Currie Rose | April 2, 2012, 8:34 pm
  34. Too funny! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! It is almost like winning the lottery, except there is no cash involved!

    Posted by susielindau | April 2, 2012, 8:19 pm
  35. you have some very extravagant and unusual tastes. all the best to you.

    Posted by ramiungarthewriter | April 2, 2012, 8:01 pm
  36. Reblogged this on interesting12 and commented:
    “I’m no longer talking to you, I have a solid gold robot that does that for me now.” HA!!! LOVE IT.

    Posted by maggie. | April 2, 2012, 7:48 pm
  37. Dig it! Robots, Monkeys and moderately priced used cars are the things of Lotto Winning Dreams!

    Posted by Joshua | April 2, 2012, 7:44 pm
  38. Sedan chair. More pizza. Mysteriously vanishing neighbors.

    Posted by MichaelEdits | April 2, 2012, 7:29 pm
  39. Great post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. My personal favourite is #2. I appreciate that your wardrobe would neither enlarge nor improve, instead, being inordinately rich would cause you to do away with it altogether. I certainly did not see that one coming! :) Abbie

    Posted by abbieprescott | April 2, 2012, 7:23 pm
  40. I say this sounds like money hilariously spent.

    Posted by mybakingempire | April 2, 2012, 7:13 pm
  41. On the off chance that your monkey calls on me is he qualified to lend me a few bucks. I too may have won a good sized lottery. Check the robot’s software regularily. Mine ran off with my money. That is why I am a little short this month. Regardless I am so happy to be your new best friend. As such you don’t need to talk to me. I understand. Good work. All of it.

    Posted by millodello | April 2, 2012, 6:47 pm
    • Chip Dip is defnitely not qualified to lend money, but I’ll send some to you via robot. Thanks for the tip on the software upgrades. Right now, the robot’s running off of Windows 95. I’ll see if there have been any upgrades to that program.

      Posted by Tim Kochenderfer | April 2, 2012, 6:57 pm
  42. I love LOVE the idea of the gorilla gram and am thinking the acrobat thing could be cool so long as we had final approval on the acrobats you hire!

    Posted by Sarah Harris | April 2, 2012, 5:32 pm
  43. Hehe, that’s hilarious!

    In the UK recently, a bus driver took a phone call which advised him that his syndicate had won the lottery. So, he walked off the bus and left a load of passengers stranded! Bet he wishes he’d read this first cos now he just seems silly.

    Posted by Sew Smug | April 2, 2012, 5:14 pm
  44. haha that was awesome. Good call on the Chevy Cruze, every knows monkeys are terrible drivers. (That’s sexist or racist or anything is it?

    Posted by atelian33 | April 2, 2012, 5:10 pm
  45. haha thanks for the fun read
    the mental image of the acrobats is a hoot!

    Posted by skitalica | April 2, 2012, 5:07 pm
  46. “-Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine”

    HELL. YEAH. never have to do laundry again? i can get behind that.
    hahahah! #BringingNudistBack

    This is one of the best posts I’ve seen in quite some time. Thumbs up!

    Posted by Larissa Horvath | April 2, 2012, 4:56 pm
  47. Good stuff–thanks!

    Posted by Madame Weebles | April 2, 2012, 4:56 pm
  48. LOL!!! I too want my own Gorilla Gram!

    Posted by I Made You A Mixtape | April 2, 2012, 4:40 pm
  49. Loving your post – Gorilla Gram – ha! Congrats on being FP!

    Posted by cravesadventure | April 2, 2012, 4:24 pm
  50. Hilarious. I especially love “Instead of blowing kisses, when I say goodbye acrobats swing in and make-out with you.” Congrats on FP. Happened to me last week–get ready for some mega views! I’ll definitely be coming back for more of your funny in the future!

    Posted by truthandcake | April 2, 2012, 4:24 pm
  51. I wish I could win the lottery!

    Posted by thegirlwhowantstotalk | April 2, 2012, 4:05 pm
  52. Never in a thousand years would I do all these things if I won the lottery…….o.k. I am Fibbing!

    Posted by John J. Rigo, Texas' Poet | April 2, 2012, 3:53 pm
  53. Thanks for making me laugh.
    Also, feel free to make me your charity case and pay off my student loans if you ever win!
    Or even if you never do.

    Posted by Priscilla | April 2, 2012, 3:26 pm
  54. C3-who?

    Posted by Chris | April 2, 2012, 3:25 pm
  55. thanx for the wonderful share…
    STC Technologies

    Posted by neonfinkiejack | April 2, 2012, 2:48 pm
  56. Very funny post, especially considering the myriad of lottery-related “humor” posts that have been floating around…

    Posted by PostCollegiate | April 2, 2012, 2:39 pm
  57. Is there really such a thing as a Gorilla-Gram?? There should be…

    Posted by hangryhippo | April 2, 2012, 2:38 pm
  58. Love it. Thanks for the laughs. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed by the way. This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time on Freshly Pressed. I look forward to reading more.

    Posted by tvjudge | April 2, 2012, 2:19 pm
  59. Reblogged this on LittleLessonsLearned and commented:
    Lesson #35: Take Time to Appreciate the Efforts of Others
    This has made me smile twice today, so I figure it’s worth spreading the joy…

    Posted by IWritetheBlogs | April 2, 2012, 2:16 pm
  60. Hahaha…hot acrobats…hot ones!! ;)

    Posted by Claire Fischer | April 2, 2012, 2:09 pm
  61. I knew it was you that won the lottery the minute I saw the ad on Craig’s List looking for someone to write a blog for a newly rich person!

    Congrats on being Freshly Rich…oops, I mean Freshly Pressed.

    Mr. Bricks

    Wait, putting an ad on Craig’s List to hire someone to write a blog for me…hmm not a bad idea. Now I just need to win the lottery.

    Posted by mrbricksworld | April 2, 2012, 1:58 pm
  62. This was hilarious!! I’m glad it was one of the featured blogs on the WP home page. Thanks for brightening my day!

    Posted by Jeri Lynn | April 2, 2012, 1:15 pm
  63. Clever post! I really like the 100 year old Scotch squirting from your lapel… Thanks for the chuckle!!

    Posted by Jane | April 2, 2012, 1:11 pm
  64. Reblogged this on dmaportland.

    Posted by dmaportland | April 2, 2012, 12:27 pm
  65. I really like the scotch from the lapel…

    Posted by camartinsky | April 2, 2012, 12:26 pm
  66. I wish you WOULD win the lottery.

    Posted by ambermlee75 | April 2, 2012, 12:13 pm
  67. Hahaha! This is great! Thanks for brightening my day!

    -Joe

    Posted by Joseph M. Berhosky | April 2, 2012, 12:06 pm
  68. When I was reading your post, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if the author actually did win the jackpot.” And then I scrolled down and read that you are a six-time Emmy winning producer and figured that you are already WAY. TOO. COOL.

    I’d rather have six Emmys than 600 million dollars.

    http://indiraadams.wordpress.com

    Posted by indiraadams | April 2, 2012, 12:00 pm
  69. Hilarious, especially the last one!

    Posted by Nicole | April 2, 2012, 11:21 am
  70. That is cool, hire me as an acrobat!

    Posted by themanwhodoesntwork | April 2, 2012, 11:15 am
  71. hahaha!! funny and creative.

    Posted by coloradokate | April 2, 2012, 11:09 am
  72. this is amazing. thanks!

    Posted by barefootbeing | April 2, 2012, 10:57 am
  73. Brilliant. Thanks for the ideas!

    Posted by Optima Moving | April 2, 2012, 10:46 am
  74. My husband and I said we’d finally get a new van. And I’d totally have someone clean my house for me. I’m tired of sweeping up crumbs. Spoken from the mouths of lame parents. We can all dream, right? Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Great post.

    Posted by muddledmom | April 2, 2012, 10:22 am
  75. haha.. this is the funniest thing I have read all year…

    Posted by Darlene Steelman | April 2, 2012, 10:12 am
  76. LOL, now I know how to behave when I do win – thanks!

    Posted by Mom Meets Blog | April 2, 2012, 10:11 am
  77. oh so witty. loved it. :)

    Posted by ohshititsmar | April 2, 2012, 10:08 am
  78. Very nice and original ideas. Keep on playing the lottery and “we” will be able to tell when you hit all the numbers!

    Posted by Blue Aventurine | April 2, 2012, 10:07 am
  79. I’m usually very good at dodging kisses blown to me. But acrobats? I hope they’re Italians. :P

    Posted by Addie | April 2, 2012, 10:01 am
  80. Brilliant ideas! Check out the lotto results at Lotto.com and let us know if you have won the lottery. We would love to see your “Solid Gold Robot” once you win the lottery.

    Posted by Lotto Results | April 2, 2012, 10:00 am
  81. This is great. Thanks for the laughs.

    Posted by IWritetheBlogs | April 2, 2012, 9:57 am
  82. Nice lol from you thanks.

    Posted by MzLoveViewz | April 2, 2012, 9:57 am
  83. Now I really want to win the lottery! Good luck!

    Posted by Gândeşte limpede | April 2, 2012, 9:55 am
  84. “solid gold robot” ! Hope you win the lottery and we get the chance to see these ideas become real.

    Posted by EuroJackpot Results | April 2, 2012, 9:42 am
  85. Great ideas! And congratulations on winning the lottery(freshly pressed).

    Posted by Lotto Results | April 2, 2012, 9:40 am
  86. So does the solid gold robot tell the Gorilla what to do? And if so, at what point does this become a human apocalypse that combines both the Matrix and planet of the apes. For gods sake man, think about what you are doing. I’m off to stock up on tinned goods and hide in a bunker.

    Posted by Andrew Thomas | April 2, 2012, 9:37 am
  87. clever ideas! and i don’t care how rich, if we were friends and you sent me a gorilla gram like that, we’d be done. :)

    Posted by The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife | April 2, 2012, 9:14 am
  88. I think I may just start sending all messages via gorilla-gram…despite not winning the lottery.

    Wouldn’t life just be inherently happier that way?
    ;)

    Posted by Mikalee Byerman | April 2, 2012, 9:13 am
  89. I hope you win someday! Just keep blogging and sharing your millionaire adventures!

    Posted by The Hook | April 2, 2012, 9:10 am
  90. Wow, it’s good to be you – congratulations to both you and Chip Dip. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to playing with my dust bunny, since I can’t afford a real pet. You see, some of us didn’t win the lottery.

    Posted by the home tome | April 2, 2012, 8:41 am
  91. Awesomely funny! Congrats on being freshly pressed!

    Posted by -Durk- | April 2, 2012, 8:40 am
  92. Great ideas! What a beautiful way to start the day — laughing and stretching my imagination. And I won’t waste time getting dressed, either.

    Posted by Dawn | April 2, 2012, 8:33 am
  93. And what happens to the laundry? ;-)

    Posted by home, garden, life | April 2, 2012, 8:32 am
  94. but what will your driver drive?? :)

    Posted by zen city | April 2, 2012, 8:17 am
  95. “Instead of texts and tweets, all of my messages are now sent via Gorilla-Gram” love that. It would be so weird to get one of those simply saying ‘running late, will be there in half hour’ lol!

    Posted by local skip hire | April 2, 2012, 8:14 am
  96. I would pay every clown in America a salary if they promised to STOP being clowns…. they’re creepy.

    Posted by makewayforlindaj | April 2, 2012, 7:41 am
  97. Very funny and well written article. I love it.

    Posted by RaoulDukeKD | April 2, 2012, 6:33 am
  98. Hilarious :-)

    Posted by Kamuflirt | April 2, 2012, 6:28 am
  99. i cracked up with “Instead of my usual shirt and pants I now wear nothing and just pay the fine” hahah i love that idea although I don’t think I have enough confidence to do it..LOL

    Posted by cheryllme | April 2, 2012, 6:27 am
  100. brilliant. I would love to receive a gorilla-gram :-)

    Posted by Sinead | April 2, 2012, 6:22 am
  101. OOHHH … like the acrobat one and I would love a gorilla gram … I think i would buy 100 roast-chickens and only eat the skin, I would have a guy follow me all day telling me how wonderful and pretty I am and if it rains I would have men in suits lie down in puddles for em to step on

    Posted by jensine | April 2, 2012, 6:11 am
  102. And if you decide to live in England, give the monkey a Ford Cortina instead of a Chevy. Good job.

    Posted by Jim Chapman | April 2, 2012, 6:11 am
  103. OOOHHH like the acrobat one and would love a gorilla gram … I think I’d buy 100 roasted chickens and only eat the skin or have a guy follow me all day telling em how wonderful I am and if it rains I’d have men in suits lie down in the puddles for me to walk over …

    Posted by jensine | April 2, 2012, 6:09 am
  104. Genius.

    Posted by MrTheKidd | April 2, 2012, 6:06 am
  105. Hahaha. Goodbye, Tim, goodbye. Where are those acrobats?? ;)

    Posted by Winn | April 2, 2012, 5:55 am
  106. Hilarious! :) Love it.

    Posted by fati's recipes | April 2, 2012, 5:35 am
  107. I love this article :)

    Posted by buddyutomo | April 2, 2012, 5:23 am
  108. Reblogged this on triadarabarlian and commented:
    totally hilarious hahahahahha :D
    totally recommended, read this !

    Posted by triadarabarlian | April 2, 2012, 5:02 am
  109. Just my sense of humour. Thanks for the giggle to start the day!

    Posted by 59to60 | April 2, 2012, 4:53 am
  110. That was hilarious, that made my day. Thank you!

    Posted by bedheadleah | April 2, 2012, 4:24 am
  111. You are now giving me a lot of ideas what to do with the money ;-)

    Posted by sirarmany | April 2, 2012, 4:18 am
  112. Thanks for the ideas!

    Posted by Katie Michele | April 2, 2012, 3:30 am

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