Army Of Awesome People

The first thing I was told upon my arrival to Puerto Rico was that I must try the cuisine. “Land the plane please!”  I shouted up to the cockpit. One of my pet peeves is when pilots tell me what to do, because, trust me, they’re the last ones to take advice when you approach … Continue reading »

Funerals are generally thought of as glum and solemn affairs, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Here are some things you can try to make your own funeral fun with a little planning. (Disclaimer: DO NOT attempt to make someone else’s funeral fun without prior consent, as some people’s ghosts have no … Continue reading »

Army Of Awesome People is proud to announce the publication of “Diary Of A Mad Ex-President” by Tim Kochenderfer.  The short book is available for your Kindle, I-Pad or computer on Amazon for 99 cents. 99 cents, just think a whole AOAP book for the same price as a stick of gum (I chew really expensive gum) Former President … Continue reading »

Over the weekend, I was contacted by agents representing South Korean Rapper Psy.  They informed me that their client is under fire for a song he performed in 2004 encouraging the murder of Americans.  They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebrities in crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart, Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena … Continue reading »

We all can remember the first couple rules of Fight Club, but it always seemed to me that there had to be more.  Well wouldn’t you know it, I was crawling around in the sewer and I came across an unedited reel of the movie.  Here is a complete list of the rules: Rule 1: … Continue reading »

Yesterday, I went in for sinus surgery and returned home I noticed something troubling. I pulled up my sleeve to find bite marks on my arm. Angry that someone would have taken the opportunity to bite me while I was unconscious, I went back to the doctor’s office to complain. “Sir, no one would have … Continue reading »

Recently, I made an amazing discovery. I was at the butcher’s counter at the grocery store, standing in line for a great sale they had on chicken breasts. After waiting 15 minutes, I was informed that the store had run out of stock. “Could I get a rain check?” I asked the butcher. “You wish,” … Continue reading »

When I was about fifteen years old, I woke up to hear a strange sound coming from the backyard. I went out to investigate, only to find a baby hawk, injured.  It had fallen from the tree above and what appeared to be the bird’s mother was tending to it. I watched for a couple … Continue reading »

Over the weekend, I was contacted by actor Tom Cruise.  He told me he needed someone who could write a persuasive letter, one that could talk his wife, Katie Holmes, out of going through with her plans for divorce. I told him I hadn’t heard anything about these plans and to please double-check his information. After … Continue reading »

So like a lot of people, I got raptured this week. Actually, to be honest with you, I didn’t get raptured so much as I grabbed onto the leg of someone I saw getting raptured. Man, that was a long trip up, especially with all of the kicking that guy did.  I was pretty banged … Continue reading »

As someone who is interested in the idea of the supernatural, I wonder why ghosts spend so much time simply scaring people.  And often, this is done in seemingly lazy ways (i.e. walking around loudly in the attic, opening cupboard doors, moving curtains, etc.). Some ghosts may not let you know they are around at all.  Why do they waste time and opportunities … Continue reading »

Movie star Brad Pitt recently stopped by the gym where I work out. Being as how I’ve already seen Brad Pitt in person when he filmed a movie at my office,  the experience was no big deal, but I knew the ladies would be upset that they missed seeing this’ Hollywood Hunk.’ Therefore, I kept … Continue reading »

Last Friday’s world record jackpot sparked a lottery ticket buying frenzy.  On advice from experts, I will never flat out reveal if I won the money or not.  To the average person, I’ll appear to be the same old Tim.  However, there are some small signs that I’m a few hundred million dollars richer: -I’m no … Continue reading »

As the new year approaches, I cannot help but think of a fateful New Year’s Eve past, spent by the fireplace with my pet monkey, Chip Dip.  For the longest time, we just sat quietly in our respective arm chairs, he in his smoking jacket and I in my robe, privately reflecting on the past, present and future, … Continue reading »